Can You See Me?

I’m finally FREE

I’m finally being seen.

For the three years that I was basically married, I felt so out of place. I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like I didn’t really matter. The “I love you’s” and the constant reassurance, that I was what he wanted, never came across genuine to me. I never felt that his words had any meaning to them. They were said with intention to manipulate me and make me believe that it was all real.

I feel seen lately. I feel appreciated. I feel wanted. I feel valued. It strange how, before, I would talk about my problems and they were always my problems(even though we were married). There was no “we” in that marriage. It was always, oh you’ll figure it out. Or get over it, and stop being so negative.

I am, by nature, a giving and caring person. I’ve always been that way. I give too much too quickly. I open up to people about my struggles in hopes that they will understand and see me for who I am; it never happens that way.

However… Lately…. There’s a man who is so incredibly understanding. There’s a man who sees me for me. He sees my pain and he doesn’t judge or bash me for it… he lets me feel it. He makes it a point to make me release the pain that is consuming me.

In all honesty, I’ve never felt care like this before. I’ve never felt so safe just being with someone. I’ve never felt such peace and tranquility simply by being in someone’s presence.

It’s conflicting.

I find myself questioning if I’m actual peaceful and I won’t lie it’s uncomfortable. Its so uncomfortable for me to be at peace. I find myself attempting to keep him at arms length. I want to push him away. I want to not speak to him.

But….

He calms my nerves. He makes me want better for myself. He makes me feel how I’ve been dying to feel my entire life.

It’s heartbreaking, finding someone who speaks my love language and to my soul.

I feel too broken and damaged.

I feel I don’t deserve it.

And I’m afraid it will all end one day…

xo

E

Pursuit Of Happiness

It never fails… Those words are said to me and I fall apart.

“You deserve to be happy”.

I feel like I’ve heard that all too often lately. I feel like I keep hearing it from everyone, except for the one person I want to hear it from.

My mom.

I want her to want me to be happy. I want her to say it and actually mean it.

“What makes you think you don’t deserve love and happiness”?

There’s something in the back of my mind that makes me feel as though I am doing something wrong for being happy. I feel guilt when it comes to my happiness and it comes down to one thing. I was never allowed to be happy.

Growing up, anything that brought me happiness or peace was taboo or I was scolded for… it’s no different now. Everytime that I was happy, I was told it wasn’t real and I needed to focus on the real things at hand. I was told to get my head out of the clouds and simply live to survive only to die, a sad and miserable life.

I’m damn near 26 years old, I still can’t shake that feeling, the guilt. I can’t force myself to be that selfish. To me, that’s what it is; selfishness. Happiness is equal to selfishness and that too was engraved into the deepest parts of my mind.

Lately, I’ve been fighting so hard to break out of all the stigma and brainwashing I’ve endured from past loves and my own parents and family. It honestly seems futile.

I sit here and wonder, do I really deserve to be happy? Do I really deserve to live a life that brings me peace?

I find myself telling myself much too often; “I just want to be happy”. It’s all I’m after in this life. Happiness.

Right now, it seems impossible. Right now, I’m scared and I can feel myself trying to retreat and just be miserable… because I know what that’s like. I know misery and sadness all too well.

Maybe it’s time to stop being scared and finally go after what I’m looking for in life. Maybe it’s time to let go and let the sunshine in…

Who knows, we’ll see…

xo

E

Love?

He said it.

The L word.

“Oh my God, I love you, I love you” he said it.

The words flowed out of his mouth and I was in shock. He said it in the middle of sex so it doesn’t count right?!

Right!?

I had felt it slightly. I thought I did but I was still very unsure.

My heart is pounding and I realize, even if he does mean it…. I can’t say it back.

I physically cannot make my mouth form those words. It won’t be genuine. I don’t know if I’ll be able to say those words and mean it.

Because here I am. Laying nezt to him, as he lays there, asleep; and I know that every part of me never wants to see him again.

He’s broken the rules. He’s fallen for me. He wants me to be his…

And I don’t know if I will ever be able to be…

Xo

E

Growth

I’ve been on a hiatus for the past few months, there isn’t just one reason I’ve been MIA from writing… there’s so much that has happened since September that I haven’t been able to properly articulate and really decipher what I’ve been through.

In September, I decided to start dating again. I thought it was time and I was feeling better. I thought I was in a place where I could simply have fun with guys who wanted to take me out. Why not, right?

Well, my high school crush made it back into my life after about six years of not hearing from him. Truthfully, I reached out to him. He had left me back then, I’d say he was the first guy to break my heart, but things with us ended terribly because I was young and didn’t know how to accept the fact that he was trying to “save me” from further heartache by his childish ways.

We hadn’t spoken in years, I thought he hated me and vice versa. He thought I was still holding a grudge for the heartbreak he caused and I believed he hated me for all the awful things I’d said to him. In the past few months, he’s taught me a lot about myself and reconnecting with him has opened up memories that I’d locked away.

Its been a whirlwind, I’ve opened up wounds and love that I thought was gone. I’ve discovered a piece of myself that I thought was long gone. I found myself feeling things I shouldn’t be. I found myself falling back into someone who I was looking for all along.

It’s a certain kind of mind fuck to realize that every man I had dated, had pieces of him. It’s crazy to think that everything that I love in life comes from my experiences with him when I was a child. Its astounding to realize that I actually locked everything that had to do with him away. I kept somethings, like his favorite candy, which was now mine, his hate for the Patriots, his middle name, which I had planned to name my first son; stupid things.

Things, Memories, Love, Peace, things I’d forgotten were possible to obtain. Things I believed I didn’t deserve. Things I’d given up on receiving from a man. Strange isn’t it? How you can push things deep into your memories into the abyss and never think about them again; not until you’re triggered anyway. Not until you’re crossfaded outside a motel and he says something that hits that lock box in the back of your mind and all of the sudden your mind is flooded with emotions and memories that you can’t handle. You’re a deer in headlights and you can’t process the information that just slapped you in the face.

Seeing him again, falling for him again, has been so triggering to everything that I have become. The more time I spend with him, the more I realize what I’ve been searching for; the more time I spend with him I realize that all the other men in my life never really meant anything to me. Everyday, I realize what I was missing with everyone else. I realize why things didn’t work with them and I realize why I chose to be in toxic situations.. The fact is that after he left, I determined that I was the problem. I took the blame for him leaving and it shaped me to tolerate abuse and toxic relationships; it’s what I believed I deserved.

I’ve spent the last ten years of my life trying to make everyone else around me happy, my family, friends, significant others, it didn’t matter what they were to me, I always put them before myself. I turned myself into a martyr and I was willing to sacrifice everything of who I was in order to have them live their life they way they wanted.

In the last few weeks, I have felt so liberated. I’ve felt at peace and most importantly… I’ve been happy.

I’ve found it within myself to cut ties from people who want to drain me. I’ve cut out toxic family and friends. I’ve stopped feeding into the negativity that surrounds me and I’ve never felt more like myself.

I’m slowly but surely destroying the abuse I’ve endured from family, friends and ex loves. It’s a beautiful thing because I haven’t seen myself smile like I have been in a long time.

26 is gonna be my year, because I’m going to make it into the best year of my life.

Here’s to growth, happiness and lots of love

xo

E

Mala Mia

There were times when I was 21, in my early drinking days, where I really would fly off the handles. I would drink way too much and do things that I later regretted; recently I had a little relapse back to those days. It was different this time though, I didn’t get unbearable anxiety regarding whatever I may have done, because I honestly don’t remember. The bits I do remember are embarrassing but not to the point where I want to hide from the world

As of late, I’ve been better at just letting things go. Okay, I’ve been better about letting the embarrassing moments leave. I have a friend who looks at me and says, who cares what they say about you? Why does their opinion matter? And I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a mess when I get too drunk and that’s okay. I’ve come to terms that who I am when I’m drunk is completely different than who I am when I’m not drunk and honestly, I don’t like her. She makes shitty decisions and forgets that I’m a bad ass bitch who doesn’t need this motherfucker’s attention.

Drunk me is all about the attention and all about getting what she wants and I’m sick of her. She makes decisions because she feels lonely and I can’t stand her 21 year old mistakes. However, I’ve come to terms that I have to stop letting her come out and I have to stop giving her power with alcohol especially when my emotions are compromised. At the same time, she’s helped me grow. She helps let my emotions out when sober me is too scared to let it all out. She also lets me be free and do things to make me feel better. She lets me express myself any way I please; which lets be serious she’s reckless.

Through all the crap my drunk ass gets sober me into, I’ve learned to say who cares. So what if you think I’m crazy, you don’t know me. You know what you see and what I choose to show. No one knows you and so what if I make a fool of myself when I drink; that means nothing because only the people in my life know me. I feel like I’ve reached a new level in life and I like this me. This sober me anyway.

xo

E

Familiar…

There I was, sitting at bar too drunk for my own good… familiar.

A little bit of sadness in my heart and way too much anger. Almost six beers in and a little too flirtatious with the stranger sitting next to me… it was nice.

It was nice, that is until, comfort got to me. He walked in and I was safe again. I was sucked away from a potentially devastating decision. The drinks hit me all at once and the switch flipped instantly.

The dam broke and the tears poured out with every ounce of pain I’d been feeling the past few months. The pain I thought I’d suppressed, the pain that I couldn’t handle; not sober anyway.

The problem was I still love that man who broke me into a shell of who I was. The problem was that I wanted him to walk in and apologize. I just wanted to know that I actually meant something to him and the sad truth, the reality for me is that he never cared about me. I was just another girl for him to claim. I was just another trophy.

I’m hurt because I gave my all to a man who didn’t know how to appreciate it. I’m hurt because I’m left to start over. I’m hurt because I wanted him for forever and it didn’t happen that way. I’m hurt because I didn’t listen to myself; I knew better and didn’t do better. I’m hurt because right now, I don’t know if i’ll ever be able to feel anything other than pain. I’d like to believe that I’ll be happy and okay with the man of my dreams years from now.

I’d like to believe that everyone is right and that there is a silver lining at the end of the tunnel. I’d like to believe that there might be good men out there who aren’t set out to manipulate and hurt women. I’ve just never seen it. It feels as though I’ve been hurting for years. It feels that I’ve been depressed for years and yet, in actual time, it’s been six months. I’ve been having to deal with the pain for only six months and I think I might be right in the middle of making it to the other side, the better side.

The truth is that, I’d been running myself ragged to keep myself from feeling any sort of feelings towards anything. I’d been keeping busy and shoveling my feelings away for fear of falling apart. Only to fall apart and make reckless decisions. It’s my MO, I do reckless things because I’m hurt. I do scary shit because I numb myself to a point where I no longer feel anything.

Only I’ve never been this devoid of emotions. I’ve never felt this angry or scared of who I’m becoming. I’ve never experienced this much pain to the point where I don’t know how to begin to cope with it. My mind always goes back to him, Jaime. Pain=Jaime and now he’s gone too. So I’m left to deal with my own pain..

E

Tired & Hurt

This week has been hard. The reminiscing has begun and it feels like someone is squeezing my heart and it doesn’t want to beat.

I miss you.

The words I want to send but I can’t bring myself to.

Can we just go out and have a drink and hash it all out?

That’s what my heart wants, but I know better.

It feels strange to have so much time to myself. I spent the better part of three years worried about someone else and now it’s just me. All I have to think about is me and it’s weird. Its… uncomfortable.

I saw him on Tuesday and my heart won’t leave me alone since then, my heart wants a love that isn’t real and my mind feeds into it. I know in my head that I remember everything as sunshine but the truth is that it wasn’t. I know that even if I were to try again, it wouldn’t be the same

“Your head and your heart won’t feel the same, no matter how great you remember those times to be.”

It’s exhausting, having to fight your emotions constantly. Fighting to stay strong and realize that I’m only feeling this way because I’m being pushed to greater things in life. Constantly telling myself that I don’t belong in that kind of situationship and constantly reminding myself that I wasn’t happy or healthy in that relationship, takes such a major toll on me.

My heart keeps screaming that it loves him and my mind, try as it might keeps fighting to keep me away from another year of disaster. I can’t let myself break. I can’t allow to be treated in ways that show how little self worth I have at this moment. I can’t keep repeating a toxic cycle just because my heart is a little sad this week. I can’t and I won’t; it’s time I start taking myself seriously. It’s time I learn from my toxic patterns.

It’s time to grow up and realize that I have a lot of inner work to do on who I am and going back would just be the easy way out.

Here’s to new beginnings.

xo

E