I’ve been on a hiatus for the past few months, there isn’t just one reason I’ve been MIA from writing… there’s so much that has happened since September that I haven’t been able to properly articulate and really decipher what I’ve been through.
In September, I decided to start dating again. I thought it was time and I was feeling better. I thought I was in a place where I could simply have fun with guys who wanted to take me out. Why not, right?
Well, my high school crush made it back into my life after about six years of not hearing from him. Truthfully, I reached out to him. He had left me back then, I’d say he was the first guy to break my heart, but things with us ended terribly because I was young and didn’t know how to accept the fact that he was trying to “save me” from further heartache by his childish ways.
We hadn’t spoken in years, I thought he hated me and vice versa. He thought I was still holding a grudge for the heartbreak he caused and I believed he hated me for all the awful things I’d said to him. In the past few months, he’s taught me a lot about myself and reconnecting with him has opened up memories that I’d locked away.
Its been a whirlwind, I’ve opened up wounds and love that I thought was gone. I’ve discovered a piece of myself that I thought was long gone. I found myself feeling things I shouldn’t be. I found myself falling back into someone who I was looking for all along.
It’s a certain kind of mind fuck to realize that every man I had dated, had pieces of him. It’s crazy to think that everything that I love in life comes from my experiences with him when I was a child. Its astounding to realize that I actually locked everything that had to do with him away. I kept somethings, like his favorite candy, which was now mine, his hate for the Patriots, his middle name, which I had planned to name my first son; stupid things.
Things, Memories, Love, Peace, things I’d forgotten were possible to obtain. Things I believed I didn’t deserve. Things I’d given up on receiving from a man. Strange isn’t it? How you can push things deep into your memories into the abyss and never think about them again; not until you’re triggered anyway. Not until you’re crossfaded outside a motel and he says something that hits that lock box in the back of your mind and all of the sudden your mind is flooded with emotions and memories that you can’t handle. You’re a deer in headlights and you can’t process the information that just slapped you in the face.
Seeing him again, falling for him again, has been so triggering to everything that I have become. The more time I spend with him, the more I realize what I’ve been searching for; the more time I spend with him I realize that all the other men in my life never really meant anything to me. Everyday, I realize what I was missing with everyone else. I realize why things didn’t work with them and I realize why I chose to be in toxic situations.. The fact is that after he left, I determined that I was the problem. I took the blame for him leaving and it shaped me to tolerate abuse and toxic relationships; it’s what I believed I deserved.
I’ve spent the last ten years of my life trying to make everyone else around me happy, my family, friends, significant others, it didn’t matter what they were to me, I always put them before myself. I turned myself into a martyr and I was willing to sacrifice everything of who I was in order to have them live their life they way they wanted.
In the last few weeks, I have felt so liberated. I’ve felt at peace and most importantly… I’ve been happy.
I’ve found it within myself to cut ties from people who want to drain me. I’ve cut out toxic family and friends. I’ve stopped feeding into the negativity that surrounds me and I’ve never felt more like myself.
I’m slowly but surely destroying the abuse I’ve endured from family, friends and ex loves. It’s a beautiful thing because I haven’t seen myself smile like I have been in a long time.
26 is gonna be my year, because I’m going to make it into the best year of my life.
Here’s to growth, happiness and lots of love