It’s Over

“You keep making excuses for him that’s why you feel like the bad guy here. You keep trying to justify his actions because you still have feelings for him”.

I hate to admit it but it’s true. I do still have feelings for him. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m carrying his child or because I actually did love him but the feelings are there. I’m distraught lately at the coldness of who he is now. I never believed all the ugly things I heard about him. I believed him when he’d deny any rumor I’d heard. The sad truth is that he isn’t who I thought he was, but he was oh so good at pretending. I guess at the end of it all it seems that he just got tired of pretending to be this “perfect” man.

He’d spent three years pretending to be this guy because he wanted me wrapped around his finger and somewhere in me I knew. I knew because there was a piece of me that couldn’t be vulnerable to a liar. He tore down a lot of the walls I’d built but he’d also left me with unbearable anxiety. He’d ripped them down with force not with kindness, with pressure rather than reassurance. His insecurities manifested into my insecurities. His temper fed my temper. It was no good, not anymore.

His accusations towards me were just projections of his guilt, something I never let myself believe not until I was proved wrong. I, unfortunately believed him when he’d constantly tell me I was the only one. I’d believe him when the red flags would pop up and he’d chalk it up to my insecurities. He’d manipulate me and turn it around so I felt that I was wrong. The spot light would always turn around and end up on me.

And yet,

Here I am..

Still missing him. Still wishing that things had worked out. Still hoping that maybe he’ll tell me he made a mistake. Hoping to wake up and realize that it was all just a really bad dream. But every day I wake up with the lump in my throat, the gnawing feeling on my heart and the reminder of the baby growing within me. I’m sad, I’m lost and I’m tired of pretending my heart isn’t broken.

Some days are easier, the weekends are long. I keep busy with work but anything else just requires too much energy. Too much energy to socialize and pretend I’m having a good time. Time alone just allows me to reflect and write and hopefully let my feelings out so I don’t implode. There’s still that part of me that wants to send it to him. Wants him to read my pain and apologize. I want him to be sorry and he isn’t. I wanted him to fight for us and he refused.

He doesn’t love me anymore and I’m left in pieces.

E

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Blame Me : Part two

Was it all my fault? Did I actually drive him away or was he tired of pretending? “What exactly happened between y’all”? That’s been the question I get asked most throughout my divorce. Let me go through everything, from the beginning..

For me, it had started the second I got pregnant. Of course I didn’t know I was pregnant at that very moment. I couldn’t stand to be around him, I was clingy but at the same time he made want to throw him through a wall. I was mad and upset at the fact that he didn’t want me to go to his our son’s birthday party. My step-son was turning seven and everyone was going to be there. I hadn’t been able to go to the previous parties for other reasons but this one, I could have gone to. Well, my husband decided that it’d be best for my mental state for me to stay home and we could celebrate seperately with him later that week when he stayed with us. It never happened.

The night before the party, I lost it. We had been drinking and I told him that I could kick him out right then and there with his kids. I told him I didn’t need him. Things I’d said before. Things I’d promised not to say, yes I have anger problems. No I don’t think I was right in anyway and as I came back from my anger I realized I was wrong. I’m reckless with my tongue when I’m angry. I aim to destroy you, I am ruthless and I don’t care. Self preservation. The things I said were damaging and triggering, it was uncalled for it wasn’t something I could take back instantly and everything would be okay.

However, we continued to talk. I took a step back and evaluated myself. I apologized, I know when I’m wrong and I take full responsibility for my actions when they are wrong. The next day was the end of our marriage we just pretended it wasn’t. He left for work that morning angry and didn’t tell me goodbye and as he left he told his mother, who was visiting, what had happened and asked her to speak to me. I had told him before I didn’t like that he always brought his mother into our arguments. I’d told him I didn’t think it was helpful. Since I am so self sufficient I got up, got ready and left, I had spent the last three years making sure he was okay, emotionally, physically and financially. He had been my main priority since meeting him. I had been there from the beginning when he was struggling to find a job to getting him a new car because his had run it’s course. I treated myself to getting my nails done and shopping. Mid-day he came home, picked up the gifts I had gotten his son and left.

He got home way past the time he told me he’d be there and came home with ammo. “You never let me go out with my friends, I have to come straight home and spend my time with you or else you get angry”. I was dumbfounded. “The way you stormed out of the house after my mother tried to talk to you was so disrespectful, good thing you apologized. She gained so much respect for you.” I looked at him like I didn’t know who I was talking to. I began by telling him that I had no problem with him seeing his friends. However, it wasn’t enough I asked, are you saying you want to go right now? His response was ” I don’t know, will you be mad”? I couldn’t handle it, I told him to go as I started crying. Not as a ploy to get him to stay but because I wanted to be home with my husband who I hadn’t seen all day and discuss our awful argument from the night before. But he had come home ready to fight about everything else, so I let him go and blow off steam.

He went on his way and as I laid in bed I realized I could no longer live my life walking on eggshells. I realized that I couldn’t continue to feel like his side piece when I was his wife. I sent him a message detailing my current mental state and I told him I was finished fighting, I had been fighting for him since I met him and it was just too much for me. He didn’t hear me. My final plea to him was ignored and instead he replied with anger. When he got home late that night I was asleep, and in the morning I simply asked if he’d be moving out or if I needed to.

A few days later, after both of us were cooled off, we talked. We laid out how we felt, we agreed to try and fix our marriage while taking time apart. I had my anger issues to work on and he need time to get over the things I’d said. But things only got uglier, I found out a week later that I was pregnant. Which made me realize I’d been crying so easily because of the hormones I didn’t know were coursing through my body.

Well, I started to beg him to come home. I felt that it’d be easier to work on interacting with each other that way. It was useless, he felt I was terrorizing him with my pregnancy and I really may have been I’m not sure. However, I do know that he was simply enjoying not having me around. He was going out every night with his buddies. He was getting drunk and not worrying about responsibilities like I always was. I was upset, I wasn’t okay with the fact that my husband was so easily removed from his life with me. I let my tongue slip again. “I’ll let you live your life and have your freedom. Please sign over your rights to our child so I don’t have to deal with you for the rest of my life.” Yes, I’m pretty awful for saying that but in the moment all I wanted was to never see him again. My heart was in pieces, my husband the man I gave my life to was gone. The loving and caring man he had pretended to be for the past three years had disappeared.

Again things were said on both sides that shouldn’t have been and we took a step back. We cooled off and came back to an agreement that he was taking his space whether I liked it or not and he wasn’t coming back any time soon. I was devastated but I agreed. Until I needed him. Until I felt myself falling into a bad place and I called him to help me through. Except he wasn’t there, he had never been when I needed him most. I was falling apart, I just wanted to feel safe and protected for five minutes but he couldn’t even answer my phone calls. That was the day I stopped fighting. That was the day I quit on my marriage, even though it was over before it started.

This is my side of the story. These are the things I did that were wrong. No, I didn’t add all of his mistakes even though he says its all I ever did when we were together. I didn’t put in there how he told me to get an abortion because it’d be better. I didn’t add how he continued to play with my head so I’d continue to pay for his car. I didn’t add how he’d act like we were okay just to get sex. I didn’t add all the gas-lighting and mind games he would play. I’m not here to point fingers. I just need to be able to breathe.

I’m not saying he’s a terrible human. I’d never say that, but he did hurt me and he knew who I was when he married me. At the end of the day, he got tired of trying to change me into the skanky, promiscuous girl he wanted me to be. I just wasn’t good enough for what he wanted.

I’m picking my life up piece by piece and everyday it gets harder and harder. Every week it seems I learn something new about the man that I was married to and he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. Well if I’m being honest I don’t believe he ever did…

x

E

I’m Not Okay

“You’re a great woman, one of these days another man will see in you what I did, I accept your apology. I always do when you apologize”. That was his response to me apologizing for my mistakes in our marriage.

Since my husband and I seperated, I’ve tried to keep everything calm. No drama, no shit throwing, no name calling, there was too much of that before we officially ended things and way too much throughout our relationship so I wanted to keep things civil but sometimes the anger gets the best of me and its been building up for the past few weeks. I’ve tried to supress it and I’ve tried crying it out but it doesn’t seem to help. So, why not tell the strangers of the internet?

From the beginning, I was responsible for our finances. I made more, it didn’t bother me, not at first anyway. I was always the one with more money and I was also the responsible one. It all came down on me. He was the one who used the car, being that I don’t drive, and yet every two weeks it was up to me to pay the car note and every month it was up to me to pay his car insurance. I would spend my last few dollars to get him a beer because I knew he’d want to relax on the weekend. I’d do anything for that man. I wanted US to be good, I wanted US to have a great life and I wanted him to be happy. He’d tell me of his past relationships and I always felt so compelled to give him all my love because I wanted him to know what a good woman was, I wanted him to see that women could be good. We went through some struggles that took a toll on me, but we always said we’d make it out of the struggle. Funny because I was always pulling us out on top.

But he was never happy. He would get into moods and sulk, and when I’d ask if I had done something he would say no. The days would go by and I would keep asking him what the problem was and then it would all come out. I was never touchy enough, I was never outgoing enough. I was never sexually spontaneous enough. I was just never happy enough. I was never calm enough or wild enough. He “wanted” me, except he didn’t. He wanted what he thought I was. See, he’d heard rumors about me before dating me. He heard things that weren’t true and was disappointed when he realized that everyone else was wrong about me. That didn’t stop him from trying to change me into someone I wasn’t.

And yet I chose to change and try to be the perfect woman for him, I tried to be what he wanted because I thought he was the one, I thought he was worth all of it. All my sacrifices, all the changes, I thought it was a compromise and we’d be happy. But all I ever recieved were accusations of wanting someone else, some one more muscular, someone more attractive, someone from my job. I was always accused of making him feel unloved by me no matter how hard I tried. I loved him and I showed him every day but it was never enough. I changed for him and it wasn’t enough. I tried to build a life that he was happy to be in and it was never enough. I was always just his crazy girlfriend, then his crazy wife. His crazy and insecure wife but that wasn’t even me. Because before him I was happy and confident. I had built myself up after going through some of the worst challenges and he tore me down to a shell of that girl.

Today I am so angry that I have to share this child with him. Today I am so angry that he fooled me for so long. Today I am angry that I let him into my vulnerability. Today I wish I had never met him. Today I want to call him and scream and yell and tell him that he’s the worst thing that has happened to my life. I want to cry and I want to disappear for a long time. I want to hurt him the way I am hurting but that wouldn’t bring me peace. Because through all my anger I know that truly I’m just mourning the loss of the thought of my perfect family scenario. After all I love him. I do, that’s why it hurts. That’s why I’m sad but I know it gets better and perhaps I’ll learn my lesson this time

xo

E

Divorce

When I was a little girl, I dreamed that I’d be happily married at 23 and that I’d have my first child by 25. I believed that I’d find my prince charming and that life would be just perfect. Back then I had no idea what it took to be in a relationship. I was just a little girl with dreams of what life should be. I believed divorce was wrong and a sign of failure. I believed that if he marriage didn’t work it was because they just didn’t try hard enough.

As I grew up and got older I started to realize that relationships weren’t all sunshine and rainbows. It was hard work to be able to stay in a relationship and most of the time, you weren’t even actually in love with that person. When I turned 22 I truly thought that I would never be able to find someone who completed my life. I thought that I was just going to be alone forever. I was dramatic and very blinded by what I thought I wanted in that moment and it ultimately lead to where I am today. I had spent a year building myself up after going through something traumatic.

That’s when I met him. My ex-husband, baby daddy, whatever he wants to be known as really. Things between him and I went way too fast, before I knew it we were saying I love you’s and moving in together after three months of dating. “Time doesn’t matter when its love” is what people say but it does matter when you’re still young and have no idea what a real relationship is.

We had thrown caution to the wind and moved in together. I was thrown into a new world, I had never been on my own before. I had never lived with a man before. It was all too new for me. Here I was in an extremely serious relationship with a man I barely knew, I didn’t trust him and I always felt like he was keeping something from me. Needless to say there were many fights, many arguments over the same things. It was always toxic on both ends from the very beginning it was nothing but us tearing each other down.

A year after moving in together, I left. I could not continue to live the life of constantly feeling like I didn’t belong there. I was gone for a month. He fought like hell to get me back. I stupidly thought that meant that things could work between us. Once I decided to try again, we quickly got engaged and married four months later. Only for it to end in the same way, us unhappy and now married. He wanted things from me that I couldn’t give him. I wanted things that just weren’t his character and we effectively seperated eleven months later.

At first we thought it was fixable, it was something we could work through but there wasn’t anything there anymore. It was as if the shattered glass had turned to dust, there was no repairing. I no longer felt that urge for him, and I could see that he no longer looked at me as he once had. We were too broken to continue. The month passed and it was hard to go through life without him, realizing that I had lost the person who I shared the last three years with. Almost two months later, it feels weird and I miss that companion that I had but it feels as though I never loved him. It feels surreal at times but it also feels as though I never had him.

Our relationship was capricious, it started so quickly it was only right that it ended the same way. I know it will only get easier from here, even though some days are really hard and I want to be petty and spiteful but I refrain from that. There’s no use anymore. It won’t do either of us any good to start throwing shit. As the days go by, I feel more and more grateful that I got to learn this lesson with him. I feel a little better every day because I know we’ll both be okay. At the end of it all, we’ll have a baby that is a symbol of the time we did love each other.

I’ve grown to realize that it’s okay to get divorced, somethings just don’t work out. It doesn’t mean you’re not worthy and it doesn’t mean you’ve failed at life. Everything you go through just brings you closer to being the person you’re meant to be.

xo

E

Part One: My Mistakes

I hate admitting when I am wrong. I am a prideful person. Often it gets me into the situations where I am left dealing with consequences of my mistakes.

Eleven months ago, I was saying I do at the town square gazebo. I was marrying the man I believed I would spend the rest of my life with. However, here I am. Eleven months later, three months pregnant and filing for divorce. The truth of our relationship was that we should have never gotten married that soon, perhaps if we had taken more time it would have worked out better. We won’t know that now, but in hindsight I wish I hadn’t jumped the gun. There were so many things we should have worked through prior to tying the knot but alas we cannot change the past. I should have been nicer, I should have been more understanding. I should have controlled my anger more. I used words that I know would hurt and I tore the one I loved down. I chose to do all of those things, without meaning to but I did. I chose to be mean and cruel and selfish. My mistakes.

I had been through it with him before and time and time again I could not did not change the way I handled difficult situations. I will admit I had gotten better at not completely shutting down when the conversation turned unfavorable for me; however, my temper was something I did not control as easily. I have anger issues. I’ve known this about me for the better part of my life. When I was younger I would throw the worst tantrums and they got me nowhere in life, however I never learned how to deal with my emotions correctly. I was never taught how to feel my feelings without lashing out at someone else.

Those were my faults, my marriage ended effectively because I did not change as I said I would many many times. I hadn’t intentionally lied but I did indeed lie to him, with my false promises of being different and constant reassurance that I would change. I know where I went wrong and I know that I can’t take any of it back. I know that at the end of it all the damage is done. I have to forgive myself for not being who I wanted to be and who I should’ve been.

I know that it’s too late for us, I know that in the end we will both be okay and happy. I have faith that this happened to make me better and help me grow. However, I can’t help but feel awful about myself and I understand that I should to an extent. In everyone’s eyes I’m just a monster, but maybe that’s because I’m able to own up to my demons. Or maybe I am a monster. Who knows?

xo

Elle