Posted on by Elle

Nota I

It’s been a week now. I have had the urge to call you or reach out to you.

The thing is, I miss you.

It has been a year now, I imagined I wouldn’t think about you any more by now. The truth is you are more on my mind than ever.

Perhaps it has to do with the self reflection that I have gone in depth with lately. Whatever the reason, you are still in my head.

I wish I had been lying when I said you are the love of my life. I wish it were not true because then this would not be so hard.

This- fighting the urge to call you and ask if maybe there is a chance we could work things out. A chance- sounds silly.

The thoughts of what I want to say swirl around in my head as I try to keep myself busy and distracted.

I pick up my phone to call you but I am reminded that it would be selfish to insert myself into your life.

Heartbreak

Your life. Because we both have completely different lives now. I have no right to bring back pain and heartbreak to your life. I have no right to come back because I miss you.

I miss you from here and I love you from here. I write all these messages to you but save them in my notes because I am not a part of your life and I do not want to cause any more harm.

The thought of us possibly working it out seems childish and capricious. Is that all it is? Am I being capricious like a relentless child?

It doesn’t feel capricious. My feelings for you are what they are.

I have tried to hate you. I have tried to rationalize in my mind why I left. I have tried to stop loving you.

It is no use.

Is it the planets? Do they really affect our emotions this way? Do they really make you want to back track and go back to the past?

I don’t even know anymore. I used to think it was my ego that kept me from reaching out to the people I miss. I used to think it was my pride and I was proud of that but that isn’t true.

The fear of being met with rejection from someone I love so deeply is far greater than any high horse I’ve ever been on. The fear of causing anymore pain and the fear of rejection stop me in my tracks.

Perhaps if you were to reject me it would be easier to move on. Perhaps that is all I need— to know for certain that you do not see us being together again.

Can I handle that?

Can I handle being met with rejection— no.

Rejection causes a different kind of pain. A pain that I have felt from you before. A pain that leaves you dry heaving and punching walls because you don’t know how to let it out.

A pain that stings to your very core and it doesn’t dissipate quickly.

What do I do?

For now, I sit here and blame the planets. I read my books and write silly messages I’ll never send. I write posts like this to try and cope.

Later, who knows, maybe I’ll send one of those silly messages and see how strong I’ve truly become.

We’ll see.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Un Verano Sin Ti

A few months ago, I had envisioned what I wanted this post to be. It was going to be liberating with a dash of take that asshole.

See, a few months ago, I planned a solo trip to the beach out of spite. I booked it to spite all the men who ever said that they would take me to see the ocean.

This trip was planned out of spite and anger towards all the men who ever lead me to believe all the beautiful lies they spewed out of their mouths.

And I thank them for it.

Because while I didn’t plan the trip out of the best intentions, it turned out to be exactly what I needed for myself.

Truthfully, I don’t think I would have done it without some sort of anger driving me. Not only that, my boss was telling me I needed to go. You know it’s bad when your boss tells you that you need to take a break.

But who goes on vacation alone?

Apparently, I do.

Now, of course I was completely terrified to get on a plane and go somewhere I’d never been. I was even more scared to do it all alone.

A girl and her dream. Someone cue Miley Cyrus- The Climb.

I arrived to the busiest airport in the country, with my carry on and a prayer. A prayer that the good Lord would keep me safe and that everything would be okay.

I won’t lie, I was at the kiosk getting my boarding pass just-a-shaking in my Nike’s. Then, it was time for the traumatic part of flying out of Hartsfield-Jackson Airport—TSA.

I don’t know what it is about the TSA agents at that airport, but they always feel the need to verbally and emotionally abuse you before every flight.

I rushed through, or attempted to, but as expected I was yelled at multiple times. The process was rather quick but not painless. TSA had me shaking just a little harder after that but, I pushed on. Now, I just had to get to my gate– on the other side of the airport.

I had about an hour to kill, since I had gotten there extra early. So I decided to walk to my gate, I should have listened when they said it was a fifteen minute walk but I wasn’t about to hop on the shuttle with all those people.

I began to second guess my decision to not take the shuttle but I got to experience other people looking lost on the way to their own vacations and it calmed me. I wasn’t the only one out there winging it.

Not only that, the walked helped burn off some the anxiety I was feeling so by the time I got to my gate, I was almost calm—weird.

That was the moment it hit me. I’m actually going on vacation—to see the ocean—by myself. WOW, I was really doing it.

I laughed to myself and turned right around to go get myself some Starbucks, I was on vacation baby!

In that moment, nothing mattered and truly, since that moment I realized that nothing from the past mattered- not anymore.

Mama, I made it!

Despite all of the years of crippling anxiety, despite the need to always have someone with me, despite all the heartbreak and pain I’d been through the last few years, I was happy. I was able to do something for myself and for myself only.

And so nothing matters. I saw a quote once that said, have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing.

Which to me, means, nothing matters! The pain, the past, you can’t change it. It was what it was and now we move on because that is how life works. Things happen but dwelling on them won’t change them.

Everything will be okay because it has to be. See, I serve a merciful God who would not forsake me. So, you just have to keep going and putting your Faith in the fact that the Lord, or the universe whatever you believe in, will provide.

Faith has changed my life. God has changed my life.

Never in a million years would I have believed you a year ago if you told me I’d be living the life I am today. A year ago, nothing seemed certain. Everything I knew was shattered and I was left with fragments of who I was.

Then over the last year, I’d been trying to glue the fragments back together but it was no use. It was no use trying to get back to the girl of the past, she was gone.

From the moment I bought the plane tickets, the rebirth of who I am began and I didn’t even know it. The closer I got to departure day the more I realized that this post wouldn’t be out of spite anymore. Because my story isn’t about all the men who hurt me, quiet frankly, I don’t give a damn about them or the pain they’ve caused me anymore.

I simply wanted to take care of me and in that moment, I put the hurt down. It had been long over due for me to stop carrying it around like a badge of honor, but everyone has their own journey.

Truly, I know that this is only the beginning and that I won’t feel this at peace every day but I do know that everything will be okay at some point.

The thing is, I may or may not have fallen in love over that weekend.

I found peace. I found paradise. I found a place that felt like home.

I found everything I’d been looking for and so much more.

The best part was that I fell in love with… me.

As cheesy as it sounds, it is true.

I fell in love with every part of who I am.

A sentence I didn’t believe would ever come from me.

I really love who I am and I cannot wait to see who I will become.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Serenity

What is happiness? How do you know when you’re truly happy? The answers to these questions are all subjective. What makes one person happy doesn’t make every one happy.

Life is subjective.

It took me a long time to come to that realization.

I used to feel so unfulfilled in with my life for one reason or another. There was always something that was missing and I could never put my finger on it. It’s been almost a year now that I have been single. I’ve had a year filled with living with friends, dating, slipping back into an ex and I’ve been completely alone.

Before I was completely alone, loneliness seemed picturesque to me. I had never experienced truly being alone. I craved it and I believed that it was the place where I would find my happiness.

Being alone, at first, was the most difficult experience that I had experienced to date. I had this perfect picture painted in my mind of how great it would be to be with just me. I hadn’t realized how much work I needed to put into myself. I hadn’t realized how much work it was going to take to build my happy picturesque life.

In that process, I realized why it was that I felt unfulfilled with my life. I realized that happiness is subjective. I was always so busy looking at the way other’s lived their lives. I was too busy looking at what I lacked from their life. I looked at other’s lives and thought that mine was supposed to be that way.

I was always so busy trying to make my life like someone else’s. Never realizing that that is where my unhappiness came from.

The work to get to happy has been nothing less than difficult. The hard days made me feel like I would never be happy again. The good days didn’t come for a really long time.

I sit here today realizing that I have achieved the happiness I have been looking for for so long. As I sit here smiling and basking in my own happiness, I realize that I’ve made it.

I’ve made it to the place in my life that I’ve wanted for so so long.

I’ve made it to a place where I am letting myself be the main character in my life. I’m letting my life unfold. I am finally living for me and living my life the way I want to.

I’ve found the source of peace and serenity within myself and I can’t believe that I get to live the life I’ve always dreamed of.

At times I felt I wasn’t strong enough. At times I thought I’d never get here. And although I know that there will be times where it isn’t a blissful and there will be hard days, I’m learning to bask in the now. Appreciating every little moment of happiness to the fullest.

To anyone struggling through the hard days, it does get better. Although it seems that the sadness will never end, it does at some point. And I know it isn’t what you want to hear but it is the truth.

Live your life for you, after all, you are the main character in your life.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Honesty

I hit a new milestone today in my healing. I realized something quiet beautiful.

I’m at peace now.

I feel that the chapter is finally closing and it is all finally coming to an end.

This chapter comes with feelings of guilt for the way that I acted. Guilt for the things I’ve said.

Today, I realized that I will always love M. I don’t know how to stop feeling love for him.

I tried for months to only think of the ways he had hurt me as if it were going to make me hate him. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to feel indifference towards him. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I will always have love for him.

Acceptance.

I’ve accepted that I will always have love for him and therefore, I’ve come to realize that it isn’t a bad thing. I’ve accepted that I can have love for him from here. I can have love for him and not have him in my life– and that’s okay. I’ve accepted that we didn’t work in that sense and it is okay. It doesn’t have to make either of us a bad person. It doesn’t have to be loss- simply a lesson learned. A lesson with tremendous growth for the both of us.

Allowing myself to be honest with myself brings on the feelings of guilt.

I let myself become someone heartless for sometime in order to be able to be “okay”. I’m not proud of that–

An apology seems worthless at this point. I feel all I can do is realize where I went wrong and change the way I react. I have to be able to change that part of me that loses it when I’m hurt– I’m learning.

I has taken me almost a year to get to this point. Truthfully, I believed that I would be okay a long time ago but I feel that humans have a funny way of trying to rush the process. I know I did.

M, I’m sorry for the ways that I hurt you. I’m sorry I had to leave. I’m sorry we simply didn’t work the way we thought we wanted it to. I’m sorry for the evil and vicious things I said to you. There is no excuse for the way that I acted towards you. I do want you to know that in those moments, I simply couldn’t see a way through the pain without putting you through the same. I was selfish and that was not fair to you. I’m sorry. In that moment, I believed that was what was best for me. I’m sorry to have caused you any pain. I wish I could have handled everything better for the sake of the both of us. I’m sorry. I couldn’t bear the thought of not being with you and trying to hate you made it easier for me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you the punching bag.

I tried to heal my pain by tearing you down and you didn’t deserve that. I’m learning and growing- I’m sorry I couldn’t get to that point before it got so ugly. I’ll always have love for you and a soft spot in my heart for you. I truly wish you the best in life.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

The Energy Exchange

The energy exchange between us, it’s never been equal give and take.

You dump your sadness and pain onto me without questioning if I can handle it.

Your pain and your demons envelope me and suddenly now I’m the one who’s suffocating.

It’s selfish.

But you’ve always been selfish when it comes to me.

I breathe light into you and wrap you in unconditional love. I let you take whatever you need from me.

Even if it’s the last ray of light I have left.

Your pain and your demons surround me now. I feel them but they’re not my own and yet, I’m left to deal with your pain once again.

Now, I’m drowning but there’s no one to save me, but me.

You take and you take but why not take when I give it to you for free.

My heartbreaks but I know it’s not my own heart that is breaking.

Truthfully, I can feel the battle inside me. Your demons trying to swallow my light and it’s a never ending battle.

Some days it feels like I’m losing to them and suddenly I want to let myself drown. I want to submerge myself into them because they’re all I have left of you.

But why drown for someone who is long gone? Why submit to your pain when it leads to no where?

It’s still something from you. Something you gave me to me in a selfish and destructive way but from you nonetheless.

Loving you has been my downfall.

Loving you has made me cold.

Loving you has made me strong.

Loving you was my choice, a choice I’ve made to my own detriment.

I’m tired of loving you.

I’m tired of picking myself up every time you decide to leave me for dead. I’m tired of being your emotional dumpster.

It’s time to let you go.

It’s time to stop loving you.

I don’t know how but somehow, I know I’ll get there.

E

Posted on by Elle

To The Man I Thought I Loved

I was in love with the comforting chaos that we were.

I was in love with the peace you brought to my chaotic mind.

I was in love with the safeness of knowing that it would never work between us.

I was in love with your emptiness.

I loved you for many years and I think I’ll still think about you from time to time.

I spent two years of my life thinking that it was you. Thinking that it had to be you.

I spent months crying because I knew it wasn’t you. I’m still crying because it isn’t you.

The feeling of having you is peaceful. You feel like home but I’ve never loved my home. I’ve never had a safe place to call home; you were no different.

It was always wrong timing with us- never realizing it simply wasn’t meant to be.

It was always something that wasn’t right.

We were two puzzle pieces that simply didn’t belong together no matter how we tried to make them fit.

I realize that now.

We kept pushing for something that felt right but was honestly so wrong.

To the man I thought I loved, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for pushing for something that wouldn’t work.

I’m sorry for trying to make you that person.

I’m sorry it wasn’t you.

To the man I thought I loved, I hope you find peace in your own chaotic mind. I hope you grow to be exactly who you want to be without caring about anyone else.

I hope you learn that life goes on. I hope you learn to love yourself.

I hope you look back on the times we spent together and smile and I hope it doesn’t hurt anymore to think about it.

I hope you find your person.

I’m sorry it wasn’t me.

To the man I thought I loved, maybe it was love but we’ll never know.

Elly

Posted on by Elle

The Pain of Losing You

It has been several months now since I’ve spoken to you. It has been months since I have felt connected to anyone. It has been months since I have been able to be myself.

It has been so long since I have been me that I no longer know who I am. I don’t know who I am anymore. I lost myself in you.

I gave you everything I had to give.

The pain of losing you has been a roller coaster. I have good days. I have bad days too.

It is one of the bad days.

The pain of losing you is so overwhelming.

It is heart wrenching.

It is puffy eyes and hyperventilating.

The pain of finding out that you are not who you pretend to be was something I wasn’t prepared for. My entire world as I knew it shattered before my eyes.

The reality is that I let myself go to keep you. I changed my ways for you. I changed who I am to fit into your life. I gave it all to you. Everything you asked for. Everything you needed. Everything down to my personality.

I broke myself for you.

I gave it all, expecting you to cherish it.

I was wrong.

The pain of losing you isn’t so painful because I miss you. It isn’t because I want the relationship back. The pain of losing you is realizing that I also lost myself.

I lost the sparkle in my eyes. I lost the ability to care about people genuinely. I lost every thing that made me who I am. That is what kills me every day.

Every day I have to rebuild the person that I was; all while knowing that I won’t be the same anymore. Rebuilding after you has been hell, because I still hear your voice judging me for the person that I am.

So how am I to rebuild? How do I rebuild when you hated every thing about me? How do I rebuild when the things you did like about me, you took from me? How do I find myself again, when I’m only the shell of who I used to be?

The pain of losing you is just as consuming as you were. The pain comes and goes but when it is here it feels as though I cannot keep moving forward. It feels like quicksand.

It is all consuming.

I know the pain is only temporary. I know I will find myself again. I know I will be okay.

I always am.

Losing me has been the hardest part of it all. Not recognizing myself in the mirror is heartbreaking. Putting on the face of the person I want to be again is so painful because she’s only a distant memory now.

I want to go back to the time where I didn’t know you. I want to get back to me. I want myself back.

It feels as though you have ripped my soul away and hid it from me.

Who am I anymore?

The pain of losing you The pain of losing me, is almost unbearable.

E