Posted on by Elle

Just Another Relapse

Well… shit. What y’all been doing?

It’s been a long while since I’ve been able to write and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve wanted to write.

One year and seven months, that is how long I made it without having a drink. I went almost two years without touching tequila. In the strong part of my sobriety, I never believed that I would touch alcohol again. There were days where I would dream of drinking and regret it but there were also other dreams where I would stick to my guns and say, I cannot go back to this.

Three months ago, i had my first drink. It was a glass of Pinot Grigio. That day, it was hard to finish the glass, it had been one year and seven months since I had touched the stuff, I was a lightweight to say the least. The taste wasn’t familiar anymore and the feeling of being tipsy was nerve wracking. I tested the waters and I had a glass or two as the weeks went on.

I didn’t go on a bender after that day, but man did I want to. I wanted to get so drunk and numb it all away and then I thought to myself, I’ll just stop. I’ll have one bender and then I will quit. “I’m just tired”.

I got drunk and absolutely wasted on my birthday a few weeks ago. It had been one year and ten months since I had been wasted. Two nights ago, I was on a trip and I got wasted with my co-workers.That was the first time I had been drunk around strangers in over two years.

I slept the entire next day. The shame was all consuming when I finally made my way back home. Even the next day after that, all i could think about was how drunk I had let myself get. I was filled with shame,not only for drinking but for being so childish and emotional while being drunk.

It is strange the way addiction works. I remember the months before I had my first glass of wine. I would think about it all the time. I would think to myself, hey, maybe I can just have one drink.I’m in a different place now. I think i can handle it. I’m better now. The addiction made me believe that I would be okay. I am not okay. I thought I was happy and whole again. I thought that I could be like everyone else.

The truth is that it was so easy to fall into because i had lost my sense of normalcy. I had started a new job. I had no semblance of a routine. And if I’m being truly honest with myself, I was lonely. I felt so alone in my every day life that I thought, well, why not go back to the only thing I know. After all, I’m all happy and whole now. And so, I did just that, I decided that it was time for me to quit quitting.

After my first binge, I tried to reason with the addiction. I tried to tell myself that maybe I could just drink at home. Or maybe if I just stuck to one glass of wine, I would be okay. But the more I tried to reason with the addiction, the more I realized that I truly have a problem. Because there is never just one drink with me, especially not in a social setting.

Yet, I still drank last night with my girlfriends, I drank the whole bottle myself and then one more glass because I wanted to try the other bottle. I woke up this morning with the same feeling of shame. I woke up wondering why I did that to myself again. The truth of the matter is that i have a problem with alcohol. I cannot drink and it is not for me and that is okay.

I let the addiction bring me back to day one and starting over again and I won’t lie it sucks! I am not only upset with myself but I am filled with shame. I am ashamed to have let my inner demons come back and suck me back into the darkness. As I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself all could say was, what are you doing? Who are you anymore?

I had come so far and to be honest, I never thought I would relapse back into it. I never thought I would cave. I am very prideful and I thought that I was better than to back track, especially when I was so close to my two year mark. Despite the feeling of shame and knowing that today is day one… again. I don’t feel defeated. I know that I have done this before and i can do it again.

I am hopeful today, but I know it is going to be hard. I know that it is worth it and I know that it is what is best for me. I feel stronger in a strange sort of way. I feel proud of myself, even though I’ve failed, I know that I can get back up and be better.

Ay, la vida, quien entiende estas cosas

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Whirlwinds

In 2019, a woman who I had helped at my job told me I would do great things. She told me I would find a great career some day.

At the time, I laughed. It was a nice thing of her to say but at that time, I felt stuck. I felt that where I was, would be where I would always be. My last job wasn’t awful but it was a small town job. It was your regular 9-5 job. Nothing exciting really happened.

I always had big dreams growing up but back in 2019, I felt like I had made it as far I was going to go. I was 25 then. The thought of beginning a new career seemed impossible and impractical. I felt that I was much too old to do anything new.

Fast forward to 2023, I now have a new career. A career that can take me anywhere, literally. I get to travel the world and meet new people everyday. I get to see places I’ve only dreamed of and places I never thought of before.

Life has been a whirlwind of ups and downs for me. I’ve documented pretty much all of them on this site. The ending of relationships and the beginning of new ones. The growth that I have experience throughout my twenties is astonishing.

The year is rapidly coming to a close and I am getting closer to a major milestone in my life. I never imagined that I would be in the place I am today.

Getting sober a year and a half ago, was the best decision I’ve made in a long time. I learned to love myself. I learned to put myself first for the first time in my entire life.

Today, I am torn between my career and a man half a world away. I found a love I could have only dreamed of. I found someone who helps me grow and is kind and gentle. I found someone who I love unconditionally. I never knew what it meant until now.

The only thing is now that I have it, I don’t physically have him here with me. Long distance was never in my plans. Yet, here I am. Four months without seeing the one I love and I am questioning, can we make it through this?

Surely, there are millions of people who have been through this situation and they have made it. Are we going to be a part of that millions of people? I often talk to people about my situation and they all but laugh at my naivety. It doesn’t help the questions that I already have on my own.

If you love unconditionally, it means that you will love them even if they chose to leave you. That is their choice at the end of the day.

As I write this, I think I’ve found my answer. If give up my career to be with this man, I wouldn’t be giving him a choice. I wouldn’t be giving myself a choice either. I would be making the decision for both of us that we must continue to love each other. If I stay where I am, and let things happen as they may, I am letting everything happen organically.

It hurts to think that maybe one day, I will be writing a post to document what happened but I am still optimistic that perhaps one day I will be writing a post that documents the joy of reuniting.

Life is a whirlwind. I guess I’ll just take it one day at a time.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Alone

I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

Meredith Grey

I know how to be alone. I know how to make it on my own, that’s easy.

I know how to focus on myself and I know what makes me happy, when I’m alone.

I don’t want to be in love again.

And you also don’t want to be loved again.

I am scared. I am terrified of the feelings of love and being loved.

Love has or I should say, “love” has scarred me in ways that I cannot explain.

The fear of love has me in a state of complete panic and I cannot even think straight.

I look into his eyes and I can see and feel how much he cares for me.

I fight the urge to tell him just how I feel because, if he knows, if I tell him, it might be the end of me all over again.

I fought so hard to get to the place of happiness being alone.

I fought so hard to be okay and learn from my mistakes.

I don’t want to repeat the past, not with him.

I am afraid of love and I am afraid of me.

I am afraid that it’s all too late to be scared now. There is no point in being afraid when I’ve already fallen in love.

I don’t want to fall in love.

It is terrifying. I know the kind of pain that can come from something like this. I’ve been through it before. And while I’m sure I would be just fine, I do not know if I can handle the pain again.

What if I mess it up? What if I make another mistake? How will I go on if he leaves?

My heart breaks at the thought of losing love again.

But I am also crippled by the fear of loving someone and letting them love me.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Battlefield

You’re more than enough, Elly. He says as if I didn’t already know that.

It left me wondering if he could see through the confident facade I put up daily. He’s learning me.

It is strange to me and it makes me uncomfortable. He’s really trying to get to know me, why?

I’ve lived my life surrounded by people who want to get to know me because of the pretty packaging I come in. I’m used to guys wanting to speak to me because of my appearance– I know he is no different.

Yet, he is different. He isn’t rushing into anything with me. It’s been slow and steady and consistent.

There’s a je ne sais quoi, way he goes about it and it drives me insane in the best way.

I’ll admit in the most reluctant way, that I am falling for him. It feels like a movie–my own personal hallmark romance movie. It is cheesy and cheeky and I cannot lie it is everything I’ve wished for.

The duality.

I know that I am still incredibly guarded when it comes to him and love. As hard as I try to fight it. I have to admit, I am cautiously falling for him.

There is the part of me that wants to free fall and let it be whatever it will be. Then there is the part of me that has fallen, crashed and burned and doesn’t want to fall again. The scars keep me teetering on the line.

I walk the line sometimes losing my balance one way or the other. I feel my heart ready to take the leap but my mind brings me back and suddenly, I want the wall built once again.

It isn’t fair to him. The level of effort that he puts into everything is something that I’ve never experienced. If I am being honest, I can say that I don’t feel that I deserve it. I feel like it is too much.

You’re more than enough, Elly.

The words sting and my eyes fill with tears. Suddenly, I’m filled with shame and I’m suffocating on it.

I close my eyes to recenter myself and there he is. The one who didn’t think I was enough. Then there is me. Old me. The weak me that relied on others to make her feel worthy.

You’re more than enough, Elly.

The words bounce around in my head and it’s more of a validation to what I already know than a compliment.

I know that I am more than capable of loving someone. But am I able to let someone love me?

The heart wants what it wants but the mind will always try to protect you.

Am I willing to take a chance on love? After all, it’s the only thing I feel that I am missing in my life.

I’ve encountered a man that I don’t know and doesn’t know me. I’ve found someone who puts in as much effort as I do and I’m scared.

Scared of the potential outcome. Scared to show my heart. Scared to fall once again.

There are days that I let myself simply bask in the happiness he brings to my life. There are others where I wonder why I would willingly put myself in harms way. Today it is the latter.

I don’t know how this journey will go. I don’t know if I will keep going and reach for the happiness at the end of the tunnel.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Time

How many times have you heard someone say, “just give it time— everything will be okay”.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it in my short life.

Dale tiempo al tiempo.

Give time, time.

Funny isn’t it? With time, and as time goes on, everything is just fine.

One day you’re crying yourself to sleep and wondering when the pain will stop and the next you’re waking up happy to be alive.

It feels as though it’s the very next day— truth is, it’s been months and months or even years of hard work and pushing through and taking the time to let the feelings be what they are.

It all becomes a distant memory. It becomes laughable to think that only a few months ago you thought that the pain and turmoil would never come to and end.

Give time, time.

It’s probably one of the hardest things to do in the human experience. Especially when we live in a world full of instant gratification and expect everything on our time. We are capricious beings and the turmoil we feel feels unjust and unwarranted and yet— we experience it all the time.

We sit and wonder how we will ever make it to the other side. Not realizing that the turmoil is what leads to the other side.

There is no beauty without pain.

I used to believe that only in the vain sense. However, it applies to everything in life. You cannot experience the immense amount of happiness and peace without also knowing the dark and stormy nights.

The beauty of life comes from being able to to experience every single emotion, even the bad ones.

The things we can’t change at the present moment are the ones that change us into who we’re meant to be. The pain and the tragedy has the power to lead us to becoming better people— if we let it.

If we look at it as beauty is pain, we find the silver lining in the tragedy. It’s all about focus.

The bad days make the good ones that much better and we should be grateful that we get to experience it all.

I’ll admit I am a rusher. I want to get to the finish line as fast as I can. I want to push through the crap and get through it instantly.

The more I grow, the more I go through, the more I’m grateful for being able to experience life this way.

The peace I feel now, feels as if I’ve always had it. It truly came with time. It came with hard work but now I see that I just needed time to get past it all.

Just give time, time.

Everything will be okay.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Mirrors

It is getting bad again.

It has been too long, I should have known.

Somehow, I knew this day would come but a part of me thought it was long gone. All the same here I am.

It is getting bad again.

The battle of wanting to be small. The battle of wanting to gain weight because I know I am unhealthy but the fear of what gaining weight will do to my life.

I know I would still be me. I know these people have seen me at a bigger size. I also know that they didn’t treat me the same when I wasn’t this small. They weren’t as nice to me. They weren’t as respectful towards me.

What do I do?

The constant fear of stepping on the scale every morning is getting to me. I stayed small for over a year now. What will they think?

Why do I care?

Acceptance.

Something I’ve searched for my entire life. Something I have yet to find.

It has been too long that I have felt as though I fit in. I fit in more these days because I am pretty and skinny–gross.

I have always felt out of place in a world full of critics. I’ve always felt as the weird girl because I am not like every else. My mind doesn’t work like everyone else’s. No one knows my story truly and I fear I’ll never really be seen.

I fear that I’ll never fit in. While that is trivial, isn’t that what we are all searching for? To make connections and to be seen and to know that we aren’t alone on this journey?

I believe beauty comes from who the person is to their core. I don’t believe that is true for me. I know my heart and I know who I am. I know I choose to be good. I choose to be kind. I choose love. I know I am a good person.

That isn’t enough for me.

I haven’t always been as enlightened and as good with choosing the light over the darkness but I’ve found it the last few months.

I give myself grace- most days.

I let myself just be me and somehow, it isn’t enough when I step on that scale or look in the mirror. I see the changes that have started in my stomach and thighs. I see my arms and my face- they’re changing.

Disgust.

I see the girls on the internet preaching the body positive agenda and I wonder- how did you get off the roller-coaster? It has been so long that I’ve been on this ride that I don’t know if it will ever end. It never seems to let me off. Every now and then it seems that I am able to coast on a steady path but out of no where, we take a turn and it is back downhill.

I’m tired.

Every time I try to do better, the scale is there to remind me that I have done better before.

Why don’t I feel good enough if I am not ten pounds lighter like I was a few months ago? Why do I feel that people will treat me differently if I gain weight?

The answers are in me. I know them well. They treat me differently because if I gain weight-I don’t like myself. I don’t feel good enough because I have determined my worth based on my appearance.

It isn’t my fault alone. It is the influences around me. It is the mass media. It is everything I’ve learned up to today. While it isn’t my fault alone, it is my choice and my responsibility to fix it. No one else can.

I’m on the roller coaster again.

I hope I can get off soon.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Serenity

What is happiness? How do you know when you’re truly happy? The answers to these questions are all subjective. What makes one person happy doesn’t make every one happy.

Life is subjective.

It took me a long time to come to that realization.

I used to feel so unfulfilled in with my life for one reason or another. There was always something that was missing and I could never put my finger on it. It’s been almost a year now that I have been single. I’ve had a year filled with living with friends, dating, slipping back into an ex and I’ve been completely alone.

Before I was completely alone, loneliness seemed picturesque to me. I had never experienced truly being alone. I craved it and I believed that it was the place where I would find my happiness.

Being alone, at first, was the most difficult experience that I had experienced to date. I had this perfect picture painted in my mind of how great it would be to be with just me. I hadn’t realized how much work I needed to put into myself. I hadn’t realized how much work it was going to take to build my happy picturesque life.

In that process, I realized why it was that I felt unfulfilled with my life. I realized that happiness is subjective. I was always so busy looking at the way other’s lived their lives. I was too busy looking at what I lacked from their life. I looked at other’s lives and thought that mine was supposed to be that way.

I was always so busy trying to make my life like someone else’s. Never realizing that that is where my unhappiness came from.

The work to get to happy has been nothing less than difficult. The hard days made me feel like I would never be happy again. The good days didn’t come for a really long time.

I sit here today realizing that I have achieved the happiness I have been looking for for so long. As I sit here smiling and basking in my own happiness, I realize that I’ve made it.

I’ve made it to the place in my life that I’ve wanted for so so long.

I’ve made it to a place where I am letting myself be the main character in my life. I’m letting my life unfold. I am finally living for me and living my life the way I want to.

I’ve found the source of peace and serenity within myself and I can’t believe that I get to live the life I’ve always dreamed of.

At times I felt I wasn’t strong enough. At times I thought I’d never get here. And although I know that there will be times where it isn’t a blissful and there will be hard days, I’m learning to bask in the now. Appreciating every little moment of happiness to the fullest.

To anyone struggling through the hard days, it does get better. Although it seems that the sadness will never end, it does at some point. And I know it isn’t what you want to hear but it is the truth.

Live your life for you, after all, you are the main character in your life.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

The Energy Exchange

The energy exchange between us, it’s never been equal give and take.

You dump your sadness and pain onto me without questioning if I can handle it.

Your pain and your demons envelope me and suddenly now I’m the one who’s suffocating.

It’s selfish.

But you’ve always been selfish when it comes to me.

I breathe light into you and wrap you in unconditional love. I let you take whatever you need from me.

Even if it’s the last ray of light I have left.

Your pain and your demons surround me now. I feel them but they’re not my own and yet, I’m left to deal with your pain once again.

Now, I’m drowning but there’s no one to save me, but me.

You take and you take but why not take when I give it to you for free.

My heartbreaks but I know it’s not my own heart that is breaking.

Truthfully, I can feel the battle inside me. Your demons trying to swallow my light and it’s a never ending battle.

Some days it feels like I’m losing to them and suddenly I want to let myself drown. I want to submerge myself into them because they’re all I have left of you.

But why drown for someone who is long gone? Why submit to your pain when it leads to no where?

It’s still something from you. Something you gave me to me in a selfish and destructive way but from you nonetheless.

Loving you has been my downfall.

Loving you has made me cold.

Loving you has made me strong.

Loving you was my choice, a choice I’ve made to my own detriment.

I’m tired of loving you.

I’m tired of picking myself up every time you decide to leave me for dead. I’m tired of being your emotional dumpster.

It’s time to let you go.

It’s time to stop loving you.

I don’t know how but somehow, I know I’ll get there.

E