How many times have you heard someone say, “just give it time— everything will be okay”.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it in my short life.
Dale tiempo al tiempo.
Give time, time.
Funny isn’t it? With time, and as time goes on, everything is just fine.
One day you’re crying yourself to sleep and wondering when the pain will stop and the next you’re waking up happy to be alive.
It feels as though it’s the very next day— truth is, it’s been months and months or even years of hard work and pushing through and taking the time to let the feelings be what they are.
It all becomes a distant memory. It becomes laughable to think that only a few months ago you thought that the pain and turmoil would never come to and end.
Give time, time.
It’s probably one of the hardest things to do in the human experience. Especially when we live in a world full of instant gratification and expect everything on our time. We are capricious beings and the turmoil we feel feels unjust and unwarranted and yet— we experience it all the time.
We sit and wonder how we will ever make it to the other side. Not realizing that the turmoil is what leads to the other side.
There is no beauty without pain.
I used to believe that only in the vain sense. However, it applies to everything in life. You cannot experience the immense amount of happiness and peace without also knowing the dark and stormy nights.
The beauty of life comes from being able to to experience every single emotion, even the bad ones.
The things we can’t change at the present moment are the ones that change us into who we’re meant to be. The pain and the tragedy has the power to lead us to becoming better people— if we let it.
If we look at it as beauty is pain, we find the silver lining in the tragedy. It’s all about focus.
The bad days make the good ones that much better and we should be grateful that we get to experience it all.
I’ll admit I am a rusher. I want to get to the finish line as fast as I can. I want to push through the crap and get through it instantly.
The more I grow, the more I go through, the more I’m grateful for being able to experience life this way.
The peace I feel now, feels as if I’ve always had it. It truly came with time. It came with hard work but now I see that I just needed time to get past it all.
It’s been a week now. I have had the urge to call you or reach out to you.
The thing is, I miss you.
It has been a year now, I imagined I wouldn’t think about you any more by now. The truth is you are more on my mind than ever.
Perhaps it has to do with the self reflection that I have gone in depth with lately. Whatever the reason, you are still in my head.
I wish I had been lying when I said you are the love of my life. I wish it were not true because then this would not be so hard.
This- fighting the urge to call you and ask if maybe there is a chance we could work things out. A chance- sounds silly.
The thoughts of what I want to say swirl around in my head as I try to keep myself busy and distracted.
I pick up my phone to call you but I am reminded that it would be selfish to insert myself into your life.
Heartbreak
Your life. Because we both have completely different lives now. I have no right to bring back pain and heartbreak to your life. I have no right to come back because I miss you.
I miss you from here and I love you from here. I write all these messages to you but save them in my notes because I am not a part of your life and I do not want to cause any more harm.
The thought of us possibly working it out seems childish and capricious. Is that all it is? Am I being capricious like a relentless child?
It doesn’t feel capricious. My feelings for you are what they are.
I have tried to hate you. I have tried to rationalize in my mind why I left. I have tried to stop loving you.
It is no use.
Is it the planets? Do they really affect our emotions this way? Do they really make you want to back track and go back to the past?
I don’t even know anymore. I used to think it was my ego that kept me from reaching out to the people I miss. I used to think it was my pride and I was proud of that but that isn’t true.
The fear of being met with rejection from someone I love so deeply is far greater than any high horse I’ve ever been on. The fear of causing anymore pain and the fear of rejection stop me in my tracks.
Perhaps if you were to reject me it would be easier to move on. Perhaps that is all I need— to know for certain that you do not see us being together again.
Can I handle that?
Can I handle being met with rejection— no.
Rejection causes a different kind of pain. A pain that I have felt from you before. A pain that leaves you dry heaving and punching walls because you don’t know how to let it out.
A pain that stings to your very core and it doesn’t dissipate quickly.
What do I do?
For now, I sit here and blame the planets. I read my books and write silly messages I’ll never send. I write posts like this to try and cope.
Later, who knows, maybe I’ll send one of those silly messages and see how strong I’ve truly become.
A few months ago, I had envisioned what I wanted this post to be. It was going to be liberating with a dash of take that asshole.
See, a few months ago, I planned a solo trip to the beach out of spite. I booked it to spite all the men who ever said that they would take me to see the ocean.
This trip was planned out of spite and anger towards all the men who ever lead me to believe all the beautiful lies they spewed out of their mouths.
And I thank them for it.
Because while I didn’t plan the trip out of the best intentions, it turned out to be exactly what I needed for myself.
Truthfully, I don’t think I would have done it without some sort of anger driving me. Not only that, my boss was telling me I needed to go. You know it’s bad when your boss tells you that you need to take a break.
But who goes on vacation alone?
Apparently, I do.
Now, of course I was completely terrified to get on a plane and go somewhere I’d never been. I was even more scared to do it all alone.
A girl and her dream. Someone cue Miley Cyrus- The Climb.
I arrived to the busiest airport in the country, with my carry on and a prayer. A prayer that the good Lord would keep me safe and that everything would be okay.
I won’t lie, I was at the kiosk getting my boarding pass just-a-shaking in my Nike’s. Then, it was time for the traumatic part of flying out of Hartsfield-Jackson Airport—TSA.
I don’t know what it is about the TSA agents at that airport, but they always feel the need to verbally and emotionally abuse you before every flight.
I rushed through, or attempted to, but as expected I was yelled at multiple times. The process was rather quick but not painless. TSA had me shaking just a little harder after that but, I pushed on. Now, I just had to get to my gate– on the other side of the airport.
I had about an hour to kill, since I had gotten there extra early. So I decided to walk to my gate, I should have listened when they said it was a fifteen minute walk but I wasn’t about to hop on the shuttle with all those people.
I began to second guess my decision to not take the shuttle but I got to experience other people looking lost on the way to their own vacations and it calmed me. I wasn’t the only one out there winging it.
Not only that, the walked helped burn off some the anxiety I was feeling so by the time I got to my gate, I was almost calm—weird.
That was the moment it hit me. I’m actually going on vacation—to see the ocean—by myself.WOW, I was really doing it.
I laughed to myself and turned right around to go get myself some Starbucks, I was on vacation baby!
In that moment, nothing mattered and truly, since that moment I realized that nothing from the past mattered- not anymore.
Mama, I made it!
Despite all of the years of crippling anxiety, despite the need to always have someone with me, despite all the heartbreak and pain I’d been through the last few years, I was happy. I was able to do something for myself and for myself only.
And so nothing matters. I saw a quote once that said, have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing.
Which to me, means, nothing matters! The pain, the past, you can’t change it. It was what it was and now we move on because that is how life works. Things happen but dwelling on them won’t change them.
Everything will be okay because it has to be. See, I serve a merciful God who would not forsake me. So, you just have to keep going and putting your Faith in the fact that the Lord, or the universe whatever you believe in, will provide.
Faith has changed my life. God has changed my life.
Never in a million years would I have believed you a year ago if you told me I’d be living the life I am today. A year ago, nothing seemed certain. Everything I knew was shattered and I was left with fragments of who I was.
Then over the last year, I’d been trying to glue the fragments back together but it was no use. It was no use trying to get back to the girl of the past, she was gone.
From the moment I bought the plane tickets, the rebirth of who I am began and I didn’t even know it. The closer I got to departure day the more I realized that this post wouldn’t be out of spite anymore. Because my story isn’t about all the men who hurt me, quiet frankly, I don’t give a damn about them or the pain they’ve caused me anymore.
I simply wanted to take care of me and in that moment, I put the hurt down. It had been long over due for me to stop carrying it around like a badge of honor, but everyone has their own journey.
Truly, I know that this is only the beginning and that I won’t feel this at peace every day but I do know that everything will be okay at some point.
The thing is, I may or may not have fallen in love over that weekend.
I found peace. I found paradise. I found a place that felt like home.
I found everything I’d been looking for and so much more.
The best part was that I fell in love with… me.
As cheesy as it sounds, it is true.
I fell in love with every part of who I am.
A sentence I didn’t believe would ever come from me.
I really love who I am and I cannot wait to see who I will become.
Elle Out Loud 