Posted on by Elle

Alone

I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

Meredith Grey

I know how to be alone. I know how to make it on my own, that’s easy.

I know how to focus on myself and I know what makes me happy, when I’m alone.

I don’t want to be in love again.

And you also don’t want to be loved again.

I am scared. I am terrified of the feelings of love and being loved.

Love has or I should say, “love” has scarred me in ways that I cannot explain.

The fear of love has me in a state of complete panic and I cannot even think straight.

I look into his eyes and I can see and feel how much he cares for me.

I fight the urge to tell him just how I feel because, if he knows, if I tell him, it might be the end of me all over again.

I fought so hard to get to the place of happiness being alone.

I fought so hard to be okay and learn from my mistakes.

I don’t want to repeat the past, not with him.

I am afraid of love and I am afraid of me.

I am afraid that it’s all too late to be scared now. There is no point in being afraid when I’ve already fallen in love.

I don’t want to fall in love.

It is terrifying. I know the kind of pain that can come from something like this. I’ve been through it before. And while I’m sure I would be just fine, I do not know if I can handle the pain again.

What if I mess it up? What if I make another mistake? How will I go on if he leaves?

My heart breaks at the thought of losing love again.

But I am also crippled by the fear of loving someone and letting them love me.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Growing Pains

They said it would be lonely.

I didn’t think it would be like this.

Most days are okay, I enjoy being with myself. I enjoy having the quiet, simple life that I live. I choose who is in my life and what I allow around me.

The thing is, I’m growing and changing who I am. The trivial things people talk about bore me. The things I used to do bore me. I find myself searching for people who are on the same wavelength with me and they’re hard to find.

My old friends are still talking and doing the same old thing and I can no longer relate to them.

This sucks.

I try to connect with the people in my life but they just aren’t where I am. Where I want to connect on deeper levels, they’re stuck in trivial things. It seems like every day is the same old conversation and I find myself excluding my presence from their conversation.

I do so, in part, because I do not care. I do not care– not in a “your problems are not my concern” type of way. It is more so, I know you cannot see it from my perspective and my advice will fall on deaf ears.

Another thing I can no longer do, give my energy to people who refuse to attempt to better themselves. People who know that there is more they can do and simply refuse to do it. I know, I’ve been there– I understand the mindset but that doesn’t make it okay.

I’ve found myself extremely distanced from my closest friends– I don’t care. I’m now protecting what I give my energy to. It is sad to think that that my friendships will not make it through this development in my life.

Where are my people? Where is my tribe?

The people closest to me see that I’ve changed and I’m quieter and to myself but I don’t relate to their lives anymore.

I’ve been on this journey to growth for six months now and I’ll admit it is getting lonely. I fear this post has a aire of I’m better than you.

However, that isn’t my intention here. I’ve simply grown past the beating myself up. I’ve grown past the pity parties. I’ve grown past begging for people to do better. I don’t drink. I don’t like to be “in the streets”. Every thing seems so played out to me.

Perhaps I am searching for something that doesn’t exist.

But they were all right, when you start to focus on yourself and your personal growth–it can be a lonely world.

I have faith that I will find the right people. I have faith that I won’t always feel so alone but it truly feels crappy right now.

I am someone who loves deep conversation and that is how I connect to other people. I find it harder to find these days. I get bothered by the mundane conversations.

What do I do now?

How do I find new, like minded friends?

I suppose I’ll let you know if and when I do.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Nota I

It’s been a week now. I have had the urge to call you or reach out to you.

The thing is, I miss you.

It has been a year now, I imagined I wouldn’t think about you any more by now. The truth is you are more on my mind than ever.

Perhaps it has to do with the self reflection that I have gone in depth with lately. Whatever the reason, you are still in my head.

I wish I had been lying when I said you are the love of my life. I wish it were not true because then this would not be so hard.

This- fighting the urge to call you and ask if maybe there is a chance we could work things out. A chance- sounds silly.

The thoughts of what I want to say swirl around in my head as I try to keep myself busy and distracted.

I pick up my phone to call you but I am reminded that it would be selfish to insert myself into your life.

Heartbreak

Your life. Because we both have completely different lives now. I have no right to bring back pain and heartbreak to your life. I have no right to come back because I miss you.

I miss you from here and I love you from here. I write all these messages to you but save them in my notes because I am not a part of your life and I do not want to cause any more harm.

The thought of us possibly working it out seems childish and capricious. Is that all it is? Am I being capricious like a relentless child?

It doesn’t feel capricious. My feelings for you are what they are.

I have tried to hate you. I have tried to rationalize in my mind why I left. I have tried to stop loving you.

It is no use.

Is it the planets? Do they really affect our emotions this way? Do they really make you want to back track and go back to the past?

I don’t even know anymore. I used to think it was my ego that kept me from reaching out to the people I miss. I used to think it was my pride and I was proud of that but that isn’t true.

The fear of being met with rejection from someone I love so deeply is far greater than any high horse I’ve ever been on. The fear of causing anymore pain and the fear of rejection stop me in my tracks.

Perhaps if you were to reject me it would be easier to move on. Perhaps that is all I need— to know for certain that you do not see us being together again.

Can I handle that?

Can I handle being met with rejection— no.

Rejection causes a different kind of pain. A pain that I have felt from you before. A pain that leaves you dry heaving and punching walls because you don’t know how to let it out.

A pain that stings to your very core and it doesn’t dissipate quickly.

What do I do?

For now, I sit here and blame the planets. I read my books and write silly messages I’ll never send. I write posts like this to try and cope.

Later, who knows, maybe I’ll send one of those silly messages and see how strong I’ve truly become.

We’ll see.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

The Energy Exchange

The energy exchange between us, it’s never been equal give and take.

You dump your sadness and pain onto me without questioning if I can handle it.

Your pain and your demons envelope me and suddenly now I’m the one who’s suffocating.

It’s selfish.

But you’ve always been selfish when it comes to me.

I breathe light into you and wrap you in unconditional love. I let you take whatever you need from me.

Even if it’s the last ray of light I have left.

Your pain and your demons surround me now. I feel them but they’re not my own and yet, I’m left to deal with your pain once again.

Now, I’m drowning but there’s no one to save me, but me.

You take and you take but why not take when I give it to you for free.

My heartbreaks but I know it’s not my own heart that is breaking.

Truthfully, I can feel the battle inside me. Your demons trying to swallow my light and it’s a never ending battle.

Some days it feels like I’m losing to them and suddenly I want to let myself drown. I want to submerge myself into them because they’re all I have left of you.

But why drown for someone who is long gone? Why submit to your pain when it leads to no where?

It’s still something from you. Something you gave me to me in a selfish and destructive way but from you nonetheless.

Loving you has been my downfall.

Loving you has made me cold.

Loving you has made me strong.

Loving you was my choice, a choice I’ve made to my own detriment.

I’m tired of loving you.

I’m tired of picking myself up every time you decide to leave me for dead. I’m tired of being your emotional dumpster.

It’s time to let you go.

It’s time to stop loving you.

I don’t know how but somehow, I know I’ll get there.

E

Posted on by Elle

To The Man I Thought I Loved

I was in love with the comforting chaos that we were.

I was in love with the peace you brought to my chaotic mind.

I was in love with the safeness of knowing that it would never work between us.

I was in love with your emptiness.

I loved you for many years and I think I’ll still think about you from time to time.

I spent two years of my life thinking that it was you. Thinking that it had to be you.

I spent months crying because I knew it wasn’t you. I’m still crying because it isn’t you.

The feeling of having you is peaceful. You feel like home but I’ve never loved my home. I’ve never had a safe place to call home; you were no different.

It was always wrong timing with us- never realizing it simply wasn’t meant to be.

It was always something that wasn’t right.

We were two puzzle pieces that simply didn’t belong together no matter how we tried to make them fit.

I realize that now.

We kept pushing for something that felt right but was honestly so wrong.

To the man I thought I loved, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for pushing for something that wouldn’t work.

I’m sorry for trying to make you that person.

I’m sorry it wasn’t you.

To the man I thought I loved, I hope you find peace in your own chaotic mind. I hope you grow to be exactly who you want to be without caring about anyone else.

I hope you learn that life goes on. I hope you learn to love yourself.

I hope you look back on the times we spent together and smile and I hope it doesn’t hurt anymore to think about it.

I hope you find your person.

I’m sorry it wasn’t me.

To the man I thought I loved, maybe it was love but we’ll never know.

Elly

Posted on by Elle

The Pain of Losing You

It has been several months now since I’ve spoken to you. It has been months since I have felt connected to anyone. It has been months since I have been able to be myself.

It has been so long since I have been me that I no longer know who I am. I don’t know who I am anymore. I lost myself in you.

I gave you everything I had to give.

The pain of losing you has been a roller coaster. I have good days. I have bad days too.

It is one of the bad days.

The pain of losing you is so overwhelming.

It is heart wrenching.

It is puffy eyes and hyperventilating.

The pain of finding out that you are not who you pretend to be was something I wasn’t prepared for. My entire world as I knew it shattered before my eyes.

The reality is that I let myself go to keep you. I changed my ways for you. I changed who I am to fit into your life. I gave it all to you. Everything you asked for. Everything you needed. Everything down to my personality.

I broke myself for you.

I gave it all, expecting you to cherish it.

I was wrong.

The pain of losing you isn’t so painful because I miss you. It isn’t because I want the relationship back. The pain of losing you is realizing that I also lost myself.

I lost the sparkle in my eyes. I lost the ability to care about people genuinely. I lost every thing that made me who I am. That is what kills me every day.

Every day I have to rebuild the person that I was; all while knowing that I won’t be the same anymore. Rebuilding after you has been hell, because I still hear your voice judging me for the person that I am.

So how am I to rebuild? How do I rebuild when you hated every thing about me? How do I rebuild when the things you did like about me, you took from me? How do I find myself again, when I’m only the shell of who I used to be?

The pain of losing you is just as consuming as you were. The pain comes and goes but when it is here it feels as though I cannot keep moving forward. It feels like quicksand.

It is all consuming.

I know the pain is only temporary. I know I will find myself again. I know I will be okay.

I always am.

Losing me has been the hardest part of it all. Not recognizing myself in the mirror is heartbreaking. Putting on the face of the person I want to be again is so painful because she’s only a distant memory now.

I want to go back to the time where I didn’t know you. I want to get back to me. I want myself back.

It feels as though you have ripped my soul away and hid it from me.

Who am I anymore?

The pain of losing you The pain of losing me, is almost unbearable.

E