Posted on by Elle

Crossroads

Today, I feel the emptiness a little less. The last few weeks have been ones of torture for my heart and soul. A torture that I know all too well but was reluctant to feel. Truthfully, I only let myself feel the parts that did not hurt so much.

The random reminiscing that the mind does without consent sends me through a loop. I did not ask for this. And yet, there I was suffocating over all of the terrible things that I have done and have been done to me.

One small phrase can send me down memory lane. It sends me back into the trauma of what once was and I suddenly, it feels that all my work was for naught.

I sit in a room full of people but inside I feel so empty. I carry the weight of things that I have done and I begin to question, am I a good person?

I begin to wonder who it is that I really am but the voices that respond are not my own. They are the people that surround me and they are the people who have hurt me.

That is enough to snap me back into myself. My true self. I wondered if there would ever be a time where I knew exactly who I was. I wondered if there would come a time when I didn’t need people to validate who I knew I was.

As it turns out, there would be.That time is now.

The last few days, I’ve sat and talked to my loved ones about the turmoil that envelopes my everyday thoughts. They have all said the same things, don’t worry about other people, they do not matter. Not exactly the validation I was searching for but nonetheless exactly what I needed to hear.

As I spoke about my feelings, I realized a few things, one I was getting on my own nerves. Two, I didn’t really care what their response would be because I knew it wouldn’t be helpful. And three, all of the validation that I needed was in myself.

It would be wrong to say that I walk my life alone and that I have no one to turn to, because I do. I simply chose not to turn to others when I know that the answers can only come from me.

It does however, get lonely. The growth of becoming someone who loves themselves, truly, is exhausting and lonely. Unfortunately, no one really tells you about that. It isn’t the loneliness of not having someone but the loneliness of losing and letting go of the people you thought were in your corner.

It is the loneliness of growing into yourself. The road that you take on your own because you know that no one can answer for you. No one is you, so how do you turn to someone for advice when you two are not the same?

It is a special type of hurt and it comes with a fear too. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of not being enough. The fear and the loneliness can be crippling if you let them. Lord knows, I have at times.

The pain of losing friendships and realizing that they were only held together because you weren’t doing so great is painful. I was the friend that everyone kept around because her life made theirs not look so bad. I was that to all of my friends. OUCH!

It pains me to know where I stand with them but I know that our lives are simply going in different directions now. Nothing in this life is forever.

While I’ve known that all my life, it still hurts to comes to terms with it. Today, I feel grateful for the opportunity to see myself grow in a new way. Today, I am filled with excitement of who I am going to become. I know every day will not be like today, nothing in this life comes easy.

Growth is painful and lonely but so is stagnation. The crossroad that can change your life forever, if you let it.

I think it is time for a new level.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Battlefield

You’re more than enough, Elly. He says as if I didn’t already know that.

It left me wondering if he could see through the confident facade I put up daily. He’s learning me.

It is strange to me and it makes me uncomfortable. He’s really trying to get to know me, why?

I’ve lived my life surrounded by people who want to get to know me because of the pretty packaging I come in. I’m used to guys wanting to speak to me because of my appearance– I know he is no different.

Yet, he is different. He isn’t rushing into anything with me. It’s been slow and steady and consistent.

There’s a je ne sais quoi, way he goes about it and it drives me insane in the best way.

I’ll admit in the most reluctant way, that I am falling for him. It feels like a movie–my own personal hallmark romance movie. It is cheesy and cheeky and I cannot lie it is everything I’ve wished for.

The duality.

I know that I am still incredibly guarded when it comes to him and love. As hard as I try to fight it. I have to admit, I am cautiously falling for him.

There is the part of me that wants to free fall and let it be whatever it will be. Then there is the part of me that has fallen, crashed and burned and doesn’t want to fall again. The scars keep me teetering on the line.

I walk the line sometimes losing my balance one way or the other. I feel my heart ready to take the leap but my mind brings me back and suddenly, I want the wall built once again.

It isn’t fair to him. The level of effort that he puts into everything is something that I’ve never experienced. If I am being honest, I can say that I don’t feel that I deserve it. I feel like it is too much.

You’re more than enough, Elly.

The words sting and my eyes fill with tears. Suddenly, I’m filled with shame and I’m suffocating on it.

I close my eyes to recenter myself and there he is. The one who didn’t think I was enough. Then there is me. Old me. The weak me that relied on others to make her feel worthy.

You’re more than enough, Elly.

The words bounce around in my head and it’s more of a validation to what I already know than a compliment.

I know that I am more than capable of loving someone. But am I able to let someone love me?

The heart wants what it wants but the mind will always try to protect you.

Am I willing to take a chance on love? After all, it’s the only thing I feel that I am missing in my life.

I’ve encountered a man that I don’t know and doesn’t know me. I’ve found someone who puts in as much effort as I do and I’m scared.

Scared of the potential outcome. Scared to show my heart. Scared to fall once again.

There are days that I let myself simply bask in the happiness he brings to my life. There are others where I wonder why I would willingly put myself in harms way. Today it is the latter.

I don’t know how this journey will go. I don’t know if I will keep going and reach for the happiness at the end of the tunnel.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Mirrors

It is getting bad again.

It has been too long, I should have known.

Somehow, I knew this day would come but a part of me thought it was long gone. All the same here I am.

It is getting bad again.

The battle of wanting to be small. The battle of wanting to gain weight because I know I am unhealthy but the fear of what gaining weight will do to my life.

I know I would still be me. I know these people have seen me at a bigger size. I also know that they didn’t treat me the same when I wasn’t this small. They weren’t as nice to me. They weren’t as respectful towards me.

What do I do?

The constant fear of stepping on the scale every morning is getting to me. I stayed small for over a year now. What will they think?

Why do I care?

Acceptance.

Something I’ve searched for my entire life. Something I have yet to find.

It has been too long that I have felt as though I fit in. I fit in more these days because I am pretty and skinny–gross.

I have always felt out of place in a world full of critics. I’ve always felt as the weird girl because I am not like every else. My mind doesn’t work like everyone else’s. No one knows my story truly and I fear I’ll never really be seen.

I fear that I’ll never fit in. While that is trivial, isn’t that what we are all searching for? To make connections and to be seen and to know that we aren’t alone on this journey?

I believe beauty comes from who the person is to their core. I don’t believe that is true for me. I know my heart and I know who I am. I know I choose to be good. I choose to be kind. I choose love. I know I am a good person.

That isn’t enough for me.

I haven’t always been as enlightened and as good with choosing the light over the darkness but I’ve found it the last few months.

I give myself grace- most days.

I let myself just be me and somehow, it isn’t enough when I step on that scale or look in the mirror. I see the changes that have started in my stomach and thighs. I see my arms and my face- they’re changing.

Disgust.

I see the girls on the internet preaching the body positive agenda and I wonder- how did you get off the roller-coaster? It has been so long that I’ve been on this ride that I don’t know if it will ever end. It never seems to let me off. Every now and then it seems that I am able to coast on a steady path but out of no where, we take a turn and it is back downhill.

I’m tired.

Every time I try to do better, the scale is there to remind me that I have done better before.

Why don’t I feel good enough if I am not ten pounds lighter like I was a few months ago? Why do I feel that people will treat me differently if I gain weight?

The answers are in me. I know them well. They treat me differently because if I gain weight-I don’t like myself. I don’t feel good enough because I have determined my worth based on my appearance.

It isn’t my fault alone. It is the influences around me. It is the mass media. It is everything I’ve learned up to today. While it isn’t my fault alone, it is my choice and my responsibility to fix it. No one else can.

I’m on the roller coaster again.

I hope I can get off soon.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

The Energy Exchange

The energy exchange between us, it’s never been equal give and take.

You dump your sadness and pain onto me without questioning if I can handle it.

Your pain and your demons envelope me and suddenly now I’m the one who’s suffocating.

It’s selfish.

But you’ve always been selfish when it comes to me.

I breathe light into you and wrap you in unconditional love. I let you take whatever you need from me.

Even if it’s the last ray of light I have left.

Your pain and your demons surround me now. I feel them but they’re not my own and yet, I’m left to deal with your pain once again.

Now, I’m drowning but there’s no one to save me, but me.

You take and you take but why not take when I give it to you for free.

My heartbreaks but I know it’s not my own heart that is breaking.

Truthfully, I can feel the battle inside me. Your demons trying to swallow my light and it’s a never ending battle.

Some days it feels like I’m losing to them and suddenly I want to let myself drown. I want to submerge myself into them because they’re all I have left of you.

But why drown for someone who is long gone? Why submit to your pain when it leads to no where?

It’s still something from you. Something you gave me to me in a selfish and destructive way but from you nonetheless.

Loving you has been my downfall.

Loving you has made me cold.

Loving you has made me strong.

Loving you was my choice, a choice I’ve made to my own detriment.

I’m tired of loving you.

I’m tired of picking myself up every time you decide to leave me for dead. I’m tired of being your emotional dumpster.

It’s time to let you go.

It’s time to stop loving you.

I don’t know how but somehow, I know I’ll get there.

E