Posted on by Elle

Just Another Relapse

Well… shit. What y’all been doing?

It’s been a long while since I’ve been able to write and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve wanted to write.

One year and seven months, that is how long I made it without having a drink. I went almost two years without touching tequila. In the strong part of my sobriety, I never believed that I would touch alcohol again. There were days where I would dream of drinking and regret it but there were also other dreams where I would stick to my guns and say, I cannot go back to this.

Three months ago, i had my first drink. It was a glass of Pinot Grigio. That day, it was hard to finish the glass, it had been one year and seven months since I had touched the stuff, I was a lightweight to say the least. The taste wasn’t familiar anymore and the feeling of being tipsy was nerve wracking. I tested the waters and I had a glass or two as the weeks went on.

I didn’t go on a bender after that day, but man did I want to. I wanted to get so drunk and numb it all away and then I thought to myself, I’ll just stop. I’ll have one bender and then I will quit. “I’m just tired”.

I got drunk and absolutely wasted on my birthday a few weeks ago. It had been one year and ten months since I had been wasted. Two nights ago, I was on a trip and I got wasted with my co-workers.That was the first time I had been drunk around strangers in over two years.

I slept the entire next day. The shame was all consuming when I finally made my way back home. Even the next day after that, all i could think about was how drunk I had let myself get. I was filled with shame,not only for drinking but for being so childish and emotional while being drunk.

It is strange the way addiction works. I remember the months before I had my first glass of wine. I would think about it all the time. I would think to myself, hey, maybe I can just have one drink.I’m in a different place now. I think i can handle it. I’m better now. The addiction made me believe that I would be okay. I am not okay. I thought I was happy and whole again. I thought that I could be like everyone else.

The truth is that it was so easy to fall into because i had lost my sense of normalcy. I had started a new job. I had no semblance of a routine. And if I’m being truly honest with myself, I was lonely. I felt so alone in my every day life that I thought, well, why not go back to the only thing I know. After all, I’m all happy and whole now. And so, I did just that, I decided that it was time for me to quit quitting.

After my first binge, I tried to reason with the addiction. I tried to tell myself that maybe I could just drink at home. Or maybe if I just stuck to one glass of wine, I would be okay. But the more I tried to reason with the addiction, the more I realized that I truly have a problem. Because there is never just one drink with me, especially not in a social setting.

Yet, I still drank last night with my girlfriends, I drank the whole bottle myself and then one more glass because I wanted to try the other bottle. I woke up this morning with the same feeling of shame. I woke up wondering why I did that to myself again. The truth of the matter is that i have a problem with alcohol. I cannot drink and it is not for me and that is okay.

I let the addiction bring me back to day one and starting over again and I won’t lie it sucks! I am not only upset with myself but I am filled with shame. I am ashamed to have let my inner demons come back and suck me back into the darkness. As I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself all could say was, what are you doing? Who are you anymore?

I had come so far and to be honest, I never thought I would relapse back into it. I never thought I would cave. I am very prideful and I thought that I was better than to back track, especially when I was so close to my two year mark. Despite the feeling of shame and knowing that today is day one… again. I don’t feel defeated. I know that I have done this before and i can do it again.

I am hopeful today, but I know it is going to be hard. I know that it is worth it and I know that it is what is best for me. I feel stronger in a strange sort of way. I feel proud of myself, even though I’ve failed, I know that I can get back up and be better.

Ay, la vida, quien entiende estas cosas

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Time

How many times have you heard someone say, “just give it time— everything will be okay”.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it in my short life.

Dale tiempo al tiempo.

Give time, time.

Funny isn’t it? With time, and as time goes on, everything is just fine.

One day you’re crying yourself to sleep and wondering when the pain will stop and the next you’re waking up happy to be alive.

It feels as though it’s the very next day— truth is, it’s been months and months or even years of hard work and pushing through and taking the time to let the feelings be what they are.

It all becomes a distant memory. It becomes laughable to think that only a few months ago you thought that the pain and turmoil would never come to and end.

Give time, time.

It’s probably one of the hardest things to do in the human experience. Especially when we live in a world full of instant gratification and expect everything on our time. We are capricious beings and the turmoil we feel feels unjust and unwarranted and yet— we experience it all the time.

We sit and wonder how we will ever make it to the other side. Not realizing that the turmoil is what leads to the other side.

There is no beauty without pain.

I used to believe that only in the vain sense. However, it applies to everything in life. You cannot experience the immense amount of happiness and peace without also knowing the dark and stormy nights.

The beauty of life comes from being able to to experience every single emotion, even the bad ones.

The things we can’t change at the present moment are the ones that change us into who we’re meant to be. The pain and the tragedy has the power to lead us to becoming better people— if we let it.

If we look at it as beauty is pain, we find the silver lining in the tragedy. It’s all about focus.

The bad days make the good ones that much better and we should be grateful that we get to experience it all.

I’ll admit I am a rusher. I want to get to the finish line as fast as I can. I want to push through the crap and get through it instantly.

The more I grow, the more I go through, the more I’m grateful for being able to experience life this way.

The peace I feel now, feels as if I’ve always had it. It truly came with time. It came with hard work but now I see that I just needed time to get past it all.

Just give time, time.

Everything will be okay.

XO

E