Posted on by Elle

Whirlwinds

In 2019, a woman who I had helped at my job told me I would do great things. She told me I would find a great career some day.

At the time, I laughed. It was a nice thing of her to say but at that time, I felt stuck. I felt that where I was, would be where I would always be. My last job wasn’t awful but it was a small town job. It was your regular 9-5 job. Nothing exciting really happened.

I always had big dreams growing up but back in 2019, I felt like I had made it as far I was going to go. I was 25 then. The thought of beginning a new career seemed impossible and impractical. I felt that I was much too old to do anything new.

Fast forward to 2023, I now have a new career. A career that can take me anywhere, literally. I get to travel the world and meet new people everyday. I get to see places I’ve only dreamed of and places I never thought of before.

Life has been a whirlwind of ups and downs for me. I’ve documented pretty much all of them on this site. The ending of relationships and the beginning of new ones. The growth that I have experience throughout my twenties is astonishing.

The year is rapidly coming to a close and I am getting closer to a major milestone in my life. I never imagined that I would be in the place I am today.

Getting sober a year and a half ago, was the best decision I’ve made in a long time. I learned to love myself. I learned to put myself first for the first time in my entire life.

Today, I am torn between my career and a man half a world away. I found a love I could have only dreamed of. I found someone who helps me grow and is kind and gentle. I found someone who I love unconditionally. I never knew what it meant until now.

The only thing is now that I have it, I don’t physically have him here with me. Long distance was never in my plans. Yet, here I am. Four months without seeing the one I love and I am questioning, can we make it through this?

Surely, there are millions of people who have been through this situation and they have made it. Are we going to be a part of that millions of people? I often talk to people about my situation and they all but laugh at my naivety. It doesn’t help the questions that I already have on my own.

If you love unconditionally, it means that you will love them even if they chose to leave you. That is their choice at the end of the day.

As I write this, I think I’ve found my answer. If give up my career to be with this man, I wouldn’t be giving him a choice. I wouldn’t be giving myself a choice either. I would be making the decision for both of us that we must continue to love each other. If I stay where I am, and let things happen as they may, I am letting everything happen organically.

It hurts to think that maybe one day, I will be writing a post to document what happened but I am still optimistic that perhaps one day I will be writing a post that documents the joy of reuniting.

Life is a whirlwind. I guess I’ll just take it one day at a time.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Alone

I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

Meredith Grey

I know how to be alone. I know how to make it on my own, that’s easy.

I know how to focus on myself and I know what makes me happy, when I’m alone.

I don’t want to be in love again.

And you also don’t want to be loved again.

I am scared. I am terrified of the feelings of love and being loved.

Love has or I should say, “love” has scarred me in ways that I cannot explain.

The fear of love has me in a state of complete panic and I cannot even think straight.

I look into his eyes and I can see and feel how much he cares for me.

I fight the urge to tell him just how I feel because, if he knows, if I tell him, it might be the end of me all over again.

I fought so hard to get to the place of happiness being alone.

I fought so hard to be okay and learn from my mistakes.

I don’t want to repeat the past, not with him.

I am afraid of love and I am afraid of me.

I am afraid that it’s all too late to be scared now. There is no point in being afraid when I’ve already fallen in love.

I don’t want to fall in love.

It is terrifying. I know the kind of pain that can come from something like this. I’ve been through it before. And while I’m sure I would be just fine, I do not know if I can handle the pain again.

What if I mess it up? What if I make another mistake? How will I go on if he leaves?

My heart breaks at the thought of losing love again.

But I am also crippled by the fear of loving someone and letting them love me.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Crossroads

Today, I feel the emptiness a little less. The last few weeks have been ones of torture for my heart and soul. A torture that I know all too well but was reluctant to feel. Truthfully, I only let myself feel the parts that did not hurt so much.

The random reminiscing that the mind does without consent sends me through a loop. I did not ask for this. And yet, there I was suffocating over all of the terrible things that I have done and have been done to me.

One small phrase can send me down memory lane. It sends me back into the trauma of what once was and I suddenly, it feels that all my work was for naught.

I sit in a room full of people but inside I feel so empty. I carry the weight of things that I have done and I begin to question, am I a good person?

I begin to wonder who it is that I really am but the voices that respond are not my own. They are the people that surround me and they are the people who have hurt me.

That is enough to snap me back into myself. My true self. I wondered if there would ever be a time where I knew exactly who I was. I wondered if there would come a time when I didn’t need people to validate who I knew I was.

As it turns out, there would be.That time is now.

The last few days, I’ve sat and talked to my loved ones about the turmoil that envelopes my everyday thoughts. They have all said the same things, don’t worry about other people, they do not matter. Not exactly the validation I was searching for but nonetheless exactly what I needed to hear.

As I spoke about my feelings, I realized a few things, one I was getting on my own nerves. Two, I didn’t really care what their response would be because I knew it wouldn’t be helpful. And three, all of the validation that I needed was in myself.

It would be wrong to say that I walk my life alone and that I have no one to turn to, because I do. I simply chose not to turn to others when I know that the answers can only come from me.

It does however, get lonely. The growth of becoming someone who loves themselves, truly, is exhausting and lonely. Unfortunately, no one really tells you about that. It isn’t the loneliness of not having someone but the loneliness of losing and letting go of the people you thought were in your corner.

It is the loneliness of growing into yourself. The road that you take on your own because you know that no one can answer for you. No one is you, so how do you turn to someone for advice when you two are not the same?

It is a special type of hurt and it comes with a fear too. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of not being enough. The fear and the loneliness can be crippling if you let them. Lord knows, I have at times.

The pain of losing friendships and realizing that they were only held together because you weren’t doing so great is painful. I was the friend that everyone kept around because her life made theirs not look so bad. I was that to all of my friends. OUCH!

It pains me to know where I stand with them but I know that our lives are simply going in different directions now. Nothing in this life is forever.

While I’ve known that all my life, it still hurts to comes to terms with it. Today, I feel grateful for the opportunity to see myself grow in a new way. Today, I am filled with excitement of who I am going to become. I know every day will not be like today, nothing in this life comes easy.

Growth is painful and lonely but so is stagnation. The crossroad that can change your life forever, if you let it.

I think it is time for a new level.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Battlefield

You’re more than enough, Elly. He says as if I didn’t already know that.

It left me wondering if he could see through the confident facade I put up daily. He’s learning me.

It is strange to me and it makes me uncomfortable. He’s really trying to get to know me, why?

I’ve lived my life surrounded by people who want to get to know me because of the pretty packaging I come in. I’m used to guys wanting to speak to me because of my appearance– I know he is no different.

Yet, he is different. He isn’t rushing into anything with me. It’s been slow and steady and consistent.

There’s a je ne sais quoi, way he goes about it and it drives me insane in the best way.

I’ll admit in the most reluctant way, that I am falling for him. It feels like a movie–my own personal hallmark romance movie. It is cheesy and cheeky and I cannot lie it is everything I’ve wished for.

The duality.

I know that I am still incredibly guarded when it comes to him and love. As hard as I try to fight it. I have to admit, I am cautiously falling for him.

There is the part of me that wants to free fall and let it be whatever it will be. Then there is the part of me that has fallen, crashed and burned and doesn’t want to fall again. The scars keep me teetering on the line.

I walk the line sometimes losing my balance one way or the other. I feel my heart ready to take the leap but my mind brings me back and suddenly, I want the wall built once again.

It isn’t fair to him. The level of effort that he puts into everything is something that I’ve never experienced. If I am being honest, I can say that I don’t feel that I deserve it. I feel like it is too much.

You’re more than enough, Elly.

The words sting and my eyes fill with tears. Suddenly, I’m filled with shame and I’m suffocating on it.

I close my eyes to recenter myself and there he is. The one who didn’t think I was enough. Then there is me. Old me. The weak me that relied on others to make her feel worthy.

You’re more than enough, Elly.

The words bounce around in my head and it’s more of a validation to what I already know than a compliment.

I know that I am more than capable of loving someone. But am I able to let someone love me?

The heart wants what it wants but the mind will always try to protect you.

Am I willing to take a chance on love? After all, it’s the only thing I feel that I am missing in my life.

I’ve encountered a man that I don’t know and doesn’t know me. I’ve found someone who puts in as much effort as I do and I’m scared.

Scared of the potential outcome. Scared to show my heart. Scared to fall once again.

There are days that I let myself simply bask in the happiness he brings to my life. There are others where I wonder why I would willingly put myself in harms way. Today it is the latter.

I don’t know how this journey will go. I don’t know if I will keep going and reach for the happiness at the end of the tunnel.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Heartbreak Anniversary

The sun is shinning bright outside. The leaves on the trees are the brightest they been in a while. The beauty of nature is astounding after a storm.

Candle lit, warm coffee on the table and the sunlight beaming through my window- peace. But there is a melancholy within me.

There is a sadness that envelopes my mind and tells me that something is wrong. Something isn’t right.

Fear.

It has been more than a year since I’ve let myself feel or have feelings of hope and love. It was so unexpected and so simple.

I have a decision to make and it isn’t one I want to take lightly. Do I truly want to open my heart up. Am I ready for everything that comes with being vulnerable?

The past few weeks have been filled with old memories that are haunting. The beginning always seems to lead to a tumultuous end. Am I willing to take the risk? I am already half way there.

The past sneaks up on me in the moments of pure bliss and I cannot shake them. Will it happen again? Should I just cut and run?

Coward.

I feel like a coward. To beg and long for something but to say never mind when it is just a step away.

Get out of your head.

It is no secret that I live in my head. Every decision is calculated and executed with a plan in mind. Love isn’t something you can plan. Love isn’t something you know in your mind, rather it is in your heart.

Heartbreak hangover- that feeling of waking up alone and knowing that the person you were building a life with is now a stranger. Your body aches and your head is pounding. The swollen eyes from crying and the pain in your chest that suffocates you.

I know the feeling well, but no one has broken my heart lately, rather the feeling comes from the possibility of giving someone the power to bring that pain back. The reminder of how bad it can get and how much sadness love can bring is debilitating.

We give people the power to hurt us all while hoping and trusting that they won’t; unfortunately, most of the time we end up trusting them in vain.

Enjoy the ride and know that nothing lasts forever; simply enjoy the moment. Enjoy life for what it is and roll with the punches.

All I want to do in this moment is cut and run. I want to rebuild the wall around my heart bigger than before. The possibility of love triggers me and suddenly, I don’t want to feel anymore. I begin to question why it is that I would choose to put myself in this situation.

This one, is diffferent.

It happened like they all said it would, out of no where and when you least expect it. It is only the beginning and the uncertainty of if it will become something is overwhelming.

Stop overthinking it.

Not every connection is meant to be long lasting or deep, sometimes it is fleeting and quick, I know. Sadness. Coming to the realization that it could be something but it could also be nothing. Simply something that happened and then was over once it ran the course it was meant to.

I know that is what life is all about–still it doesn’t sit right with me.

I know this is the path for me at this moment but is it the right one? Am I making a mistake? I’m tired of making mistakes.

Get out of your head.

I don’t know if I will give myself the chance to be loved. I don’t know if I will be able to let things unfold as they may, but I do know that with great risks come greater rewards.

Ay, Ay, la vida–quien entiende estas cosas?

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Mirrors

It is getting bad again.

It has been too long, I should have known.

Somehow, I knew this day would come but a part of me thought it was long gone. All the same here I am.

It is getting bad again.

The battle of wanting to be small. The battle of wanting to gain weight because I know I am unhealthy but the fear of what gaining weight will do to my life.

I know I would still be me. I know these people have seen me at a bigger size. I also know that they didn’t treat me the same when I wasn’t this small. They weren’t as nice to me. They weren’t as respectful towards me.

What do I do?

The constant fear of stepping on the scale every morning is getting to me. I stayed small for over a year now. What will they think?

Why do I care?

Acceptance.

Something I’ve searched for my entire life. Something I have yet to find.

It has been too long that I have felt as though I fit in. I fit in more these days because I am pretty and skinny–gross.

I have always felt out of place in a world full of critics. I’ve always felt as the weird girl because I am not like every else. My mind doesn’t work like everyone else’s. No one knows my story truly and I fear I’ll never really be seen.

I fear that I’ll never fit in. While that is trivial, isn’t that what we are all searching for? To make connections and to be seen and to know that we aren’t alone on this journey?

I believe beauty comes from who the person is to their core. I don’t believe that is true for me. I know my heart and I know who I am. I know I choose to be good. I choose to be kind. I choose love. I know I am a good person.

That isn’t enough for me.

I haven’t always been as enlightened and as good with choosing the light over the darkness but I’ve found it the last few months.

I give myself grace- most days.

I let myself just be me and somehow, it isn’t enough when I step on that scale or look in the mirror. I see the changes that have started in my stomach and thighs. I see my arms and my face- they’re changing.

Disgust.

I see the girls on the internet preaching the body positive agenda and I wonder- how did you get off the roller-coaster? It has been so long that I’ve been on this ride that I don’t know if it will ever end. It never seems to let me off. Every now and then it seems that I am able to coast on a steady path but out of no where, we take a turn and it is back downhill.

I’m tired.

Every time I try to do better, the scale is there to remind me that I have done better before.

Why don’t I feel good enough if I am not ten pounds lighter like I was a few months ago? Why do I feel that people will treat me differently if I gain weight?

The answers are in me. I know them well. They treat me differently because if I gain weight-I don’t like myself. I don’t feel good enough because I have determined my worth based on my appearance.

It isn’t my fault alone. It is the influences around me. It is the mass media. It is everything I’ve learned up to today. While it isn’t my fault alone, it is my choice and my responsibility to fix it. No one else can.

I’m on the roller coaster again.

I hope I can get off soon.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Nota I

It’s been a week now. I have had the urge to call you or reach out to you.

The thing is, I miss you.

It has been a year now, I imagined I wouldn’t think about you any more by now. The truth is you are more on my mind than ever.

Perhaps it has to do with the self reflection that I have gone in depth with lately. Whatever the reason, you are still in my head.

I wish I had been lying when I said you are the love of my life. I wish it were not true because then this would not be so hard.

This- fighting the urge to call you and ask if maybe there is a chance we could work things out. A chance- sounds silly.

The thoughts of what I want to say swirl around in my head as I try to keep myself busy and distracted.

I pick up my phone to call you but I am reminded that it would be selfish to insert myself into your life.

Heartbreak

Your life. Because we both have completely different lives now. I have no right to bring back pain and heartbreak to your life. I have no right to come back because I miss you.

I miss you from here and I love you from here. I write all these messages to you but save them in my notes because I am not a part of your life and I do not want to cause any more harm.

The thought of us possibly working it out seems childish and capricious. Is that all it is? Am I being capricious like a relentless child?

It doesn’t feel capricious. My feelings for you are what they are.

I have tried to hate you. I have tried to rationalize in my mind why I left. I have tried to stop loving you.

It is no use.

Is it the planets? Do they really affect our emotions this way? Do they really make you want to back track and go back to the past?

I don’t even know anymore. I used to think it was my ego that kept me from reaching out to the people I miss. I used to think it was my pride and I was proud of that but that isn’t true.

The fear of being met with rejection from someone I love so deeply is far greater than any high horse I’ve ever been on. The fear of causing anymore pain and the fear of rejection stop me in my tracks.

Perhaps if you were to reject me it would be easier to move on. Perhaps that is all I need— to know for certain that you do not see us being together again.

Can I handle that?

Can I handle being met with rejection— no.

Rejection causes a different kind of pain. A pain that I have felt from you before. A pain that leaves you dry heaving and punching walls because you don’t know how to let it out.

A pain that stings to your very core and it doesn’t dissipate quickly.

What do I do?

For now, I sit here and blame the planets. I read my books and write silly messages I’ll never send. I write posts like this to try and cope.

Later, who knows, maybe I’ll send one of those silly messages and see how strong I’ve truly become.

We’ll see.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Serenity

What is happiness? How do you know when you’re truly happy? The answers to these questions are all subjective. What makes one person happy doesn’t make every one happy.

Life is subjective.

It took me a long time to come to that realization.

I used to feel so unfulfilled in with my life for one reason or another. There was always something that was missing and I could never put my finger on it. It’s been almost a year now that I have been single. I’ve had a year filled with living with friends, dating, slipping back into an ex and I’ve been completely alone.

Before I was completely alone, loneliness seemed picturesque to me. I had never experienced truly being alone. I craved it and I believed that it was the place where I would find my happiness.

Being alone, at first, was the most difficult experience that I had experienced to date. I had this perfect picture painted in my mind of how great it would be to be with just me. I hadn’t realized how much work I needed to put into myself. I hadn’t realized how much work it was going to take to build my happy picturesque life.

In that process, I realized why it was that I felt unfulfilled with my life. I realized that happiness is subjective. I was always so busy looking at the way other’s lived their lives. I was too busy looking at what I lacked from their life. I looked at other’s lives and thought that mine was supposed to be that way.

I was always so busy trying to make my life like someone else’s. Never realizing that that is where my unhappiness came from.

The work to get to happy has been nothing less than difficult. The hard days made me feel like I would never be happy again. The good days didn’t come for a really long time.

I sit here today realizing that I have achieved the happiness I have been looking for for so long. As I sit here smiling and basking in my own happiness, I realize that I’ve made it.

I’ve made it to the place in my life that I’ve wanted for so so long.

I’ve made it to a place where I am letting myself be the main character in my life. I’m letting my life unfold. I am finally living for me and living my life the way I want to.

I’ve found the source of peace and serenity within myself and I can’t believe that I get to live the life I’ve always dreamed of.

At times I felt I wasn’t strong enough. At times I thought I’d never get here. And although I know that there will be times where it isn’t a blissful and there will be hard days, I’m learning to bask in the now. Appreciating every little moment of happiness to the fullest.

To anyone struggling through the hard days, it does get better. Although it seems that the sadness will never end, it does at some point. And I know it isn’t what you want to hear but it is the truth.

Live your life for you, after all, you are the main character in your life.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Honesty

I hit a new milestone today in my healing. I realized something quiet beautiful.

I’m at peace now.

I feel that the chapter is finally closing and it is all finally coming to an end.

This chapter comes with feelings of guilt for the way that I acted. Guilt for the things I’ve said.

Today, I realized that I will always love M. I don’t know how to stop feeling love for him.

I tried for months to only think of the ways he had hurt me as if it were going to make me hate him. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to feel indifference towards him. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I will always have love for him.

Acceptance.

I’ve accepted that I will always have love for him and therefore, I’ve come to realize that it isn’t a bad thing. I’ve accepted that I can have love for him from here. I can have love for him and not have him in my life– and that’s okay. I’ve accepted that we didn’t work in that sense and it is okay. It doesn’t have to make either of us a bad person. It doesn’t have to be loss- simply a lesson learned. A lesson with tremendous growth for the both of us.

Allowing myself to be honest with myself brings on the feelings of guilt.

I let myself become someone heartless for sometime in order to be able to be “okay”. I’m not proud of that–

An apology seems worthless at this point. I feel all I can do is realize where I went wrong and change the way I react. I have to be able to change that part of me that loses it when I’m hurt– I’m learning.

I has taken me almost a year to get to this point. Truthfully, I believed that I would be okay a long time ago but I feel that humans have a funny way of trying to rush the process. I know I did.

M, I’m sorry for the ways that I hurt you. I’m sorry I had to leave. I’m sorry we simply didn’t work the way we thought we wanted it to. I’m sorry for the evil and vicious things I said to you. There is no excuse for the way that I acted towards you. I do want you to know that in those moments, I simply couldn’t see a way through the pain without putting you through the same. I was selfish and that was not fair to you. I’m sorry. In that moment, I believed that was what was best for me. I’m sorry to have caused you any pain. I wish I could have handled everything better for the sake of the both of us. I’m sorry. I couldn’t bear the thought of not being with you and trying to hate you made it easier for me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you the punching bag.

I tried to heal my pain by tearing you down and you didn’t deserve that. I’m learning and growing- I’m sorry I couldn’t get to that point before it got so ugly. I’ll always have love for you and a soft spot in my heart for you. I truly wish you the best in life.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

The Energy Exchange

The energy exchange between us, it’s never been equal give and take.

You dump your sadness and pain onto me without questioning if I can handle it.

Your pain and your demons envelope me and suddenly now I’m the one who’s suffocating.

It’s selfish.

But you’ve always been selfish when it comes to me.

I breathe light into you and wrap you in unconditional love. I let you take whatever you need from me.

Even if it’s the last ray of light I have left.

Your pain and your demons surround me now. I feel them but they’re not my own and yet, I’m left to deal with your pain once again.

Now, I’m drowning but there’s no one to save me, but me.

You take and you take but why not take when I give it to you for free.

My heartbreaks but I know it’s not my own heart that is breaking.

Truthfully, I can feel the battle inside me. Your demons trying to swallow my light and it’s a never ending battle.

Some days it feels like I’m losing to them and suddenly I want to let myself drown. I want to submerge myself into them because they’re all I have left of you.

But why drown for someone who is long gone? Why submit to your pain when it leads to no where?

It’s still something from you. Something you gave me to me in a selfish and destructive way but from you nonetheless.

Loving you has been my downfall.

Loving you has made me cold.

Loving you has made me strong.

Loving you was my choice, a choice I’ve made to my own detriment.

I’m tired of loving you.

I’m tired of picking myself up every time you decide to leave me for dead. I’m tired of being your emotional dumpster.

It’s time to let you go.

It’s time to stop loving you.

I don’t know how but somehow, I know I’ll get there.

E