Posted on by Elle

Alone

I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

Meredith Grey

I know how to be alone. I know how to make it on my own, that’s easy.

I know how to focus on myself and I know what makes me happy, when I’m alone.

I don’t want to be in love again.

And you also don’t want to be loved again.

I am scared. I am terrified of the feelings of love and being loved.

Love has or I should say, “love” has scarred me in ways that I cannot explain.

The fear of love has me in a state of complete panic and I cannot even think straight.

I look into his eyes and I can see and feel how much he cares for me.

I fight the urge to tell him just how I feel because, if he knows, if I tell him, it might be the end of me all over again.

I fought so hard to get to the place of happiness being alone.

I fought so hard to be okay and learn from my mistakes.

I don’t want to repeat the past, not with him.

I am afraid of love and I am afraid of me.

I am afraid that it’s all too late to be scared now. There is no point in being afraid when I’ve already fallen in love.

I don’t want to fall in love.

It is terrifying. I know the kind of pain that can come from something like this. I’ve been through it before. And while I’m sure I would be just fine, I do not know if I can handle the pain again.

What if I mess it up? What if I make another mistake? How will I go on if he leaves?

My heart breaks at the thought of losing love again.

But I am also crippled by the fear of loving someone and letting them love me.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Time

How many times have you heard someone say, “just give it time— everything will be okay”.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it in my short life.

Dale tiempo al tiempo.

Give time, time.

Funny isn’t it? With time, and as time goes on, everything is just fine.

One day you’re crying yourself to sleep and wondering when the pain will stop and the next you’re waking up happy to be alive.

It feels as though it’s the very next day— truth is, it’s been months and months or even years of hard work and pushing through and taking the time to let the feelings be what they are.

It all becomes a distant memory. It becomes laughable to think that only a few months ago you thought that the pain and turmoil would never come to and end.

Give time, time.

It’s probably one of the hardest things to do in the human experience. Especially when we live in a world full of instant gratification and expect everything on our time. We are capricious beings and the turmoil we feel feels unjust and unwarranted and yet— we experience it all the time.

We sit and wonder how we will ever make it to the other side. Not realizing that the turmoil is what leads to the other side.

There is no beauty without pain.

I used to believe that only in the vain sense. However, it applies to everything in life. You cannot experience the immense amount of happiness and peace without also knowing the dark and stormy nights.

The beauty of life comes from being able to to experience every single emotion, even the bad ones.

The things we can’t change at the present moment are the ones that change us into who we’re meant to be. The pain and the tragedy has the power to lead us to becoming better people— if we let it.

If we look at it as beauty is pain, we find the silver lining in the tragedy. It’s all about focus.

The bad days make the good ones that much better and we should be grateful that we get to experience it all.

I’ll admit I am a rusher. I want to get to the finish line as fast as I can. I want to push through the crap and get through it instantly.

The more I grow, the more I go through, the more I’m grateful for being able to experience life this way.

The peace I feel now, feels as if I’ve always had it. It truly came with time. It came with hard work but now I see that I just needed time to get past it all.

Just give time, time.

Everything will be okay.

XO

E