Posted on by Elle

Alone

I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

Meredith Grey

I know how to be alone. I know how to make it on my own, that’s easy.

I know how to focus on myself and I know what makes me happy, when I’m alone.

I don’t want to be in love again.

And you also don’t want to be loved again.

I am scared. I am terrified of the feelings of love and being loved.

Love has or I should say, “love” has scarred me in ways that I cannot explain.

The fear of love has me in a state of complete panic and I cannot even think straight.

I look into his eyes and I can see and feel how much he cares for me.

I fight the urge to tell him just how I feel because, if he knows, if I tell him, it might be the end of me all over again.

I fought so hard to get to the place of happiness being alone.

I fought so hard to be okay and learn from my mistakes.

I don’t want to repeat the past, not with him.

I am afraid of love and I am afraid of me.

I am afraid that it’s all too late to be scared now. There is no point in being afraid when I’ve already fallen in love.

I don’t want to fall in love.

It is terrifying. I know the kind of pain that can come from something like this. I’ve been through it before. And while I’m sure I would be just fine, I do not know if I can handle the pain again.

What if I mess it up? What if I make another mistake? How will I go on if he leaves?

My heart breaks at the thought of losing love again.

But I am also crippled by the fear of loving someone and letting them love me.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Nota I

It’s been a week now. I have had the urge to call you or reach out to you.

The thing is, I miss you.

It has been a year now, I imagined I wouldn’t think about you any more by now. The truth is you are more on my mind than ever.

Perhaps it has to do with the self reflection that I have gone in depth with lately. Whatever the reason, you are still in my head.

I wish I had been lying when I said you are the love of my life. I wish it were not true because then this would not be so hard.

This- fighting the urge to call you and ask if maybe there is a chance we could work things out. A chance- sounds silly.

The thoughts of what I want to say swirl around in my head as I try to keep myself busy and distracted.

I pick up my phone to call you but I am reminded that it would be selfish to insert myself into your life.

Heartbreak

Your life. Because we both have completely different lives now. I have no right to bring back pain and heartbreak to your life. I have no right to come back because I miss you.

I miss you from here and I love you from here. I write all these messages to you but save them in my notes because I am not a part of your life and I do not want to cause any more harm.

The thought of us possibly working it out seems childish and capricious. Is that all it is? Am I being capricious like a relentless child?

It doesn’t feel capricious. My feelings for you are what they are.

I have tried to hate you. I have tried to rationalize in my mind why I left. I have tried to stop loving you.

It is no use.

Is it the planets? Do they really affect our emotions this way? Do they really make you want to back track and go back to the past?

I don’t even know anymore. I used to think it was my ego that kept me from reaching out to the people I miss. I used to think it was my pride and I was proud of that but that isn’t true.

The fear of being met with rejection from someone I love so deeply is far greater than any high horse I’ve ever been on. The fear of causing anymore pain and the fear of rejection stop me in my tracks.

Perhaps if you were to reject me it would be easier to move on. Perhaps that is all I need— to know for certain that you do not see us being together again.

Can I handle that?

Can I handle being met with rejection— no.

Rejection causes a different kind of pain. A pain that I have felt from you before. A pain that leaves you dry heaving and punching walls because you don’t know how to let it out.

A pain that stings to your very core and it doesn’t dissipate quickly.

What do I do?

For now, I sit here and blame the planets. I read my books and write silly messages I’ll never send. I write posts like this to try and cope.

Later, who knows, maybe I’ll send one of those silly messages and see how strong I’ve truly become.

We’ll see.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

The Energy Exchange

The energy exchange between us, it’s never been equal give and take.

You dump your sadness and pain onto me without questioning if I can handle it.

Your pain and your demons envelope me and suddenly now I’m the one who’s suffocating.

It’s selfish.

But you’ve always been selfish when it comes to me.

I breathe light into you and wrap you in unconditional love. I let you take whatever you need from me.

Even if it’s the last ray of light I have left.

Your pain and your demons surround me now. I feel them but they’re not my own and yet, I’m left to deal with your pain once again.

Now, I’m drowning but there’s no one to save me, but me.

You take and you take but why not take when I give it to you for free.

My heartbreaks but I know it’s not my own heart that is breaking.

Truthfully, I can feel the battle inside me. Your demons trying to swallow my light and it’s a never ending battle.

Some days it feels like I’m losing to them and suddenly I want to let myself drown. I want to submerge myself into them because they’re all I have left of you.

But why drown for someone who is long gone? Why submit to your pain when it leads to no where?

It’s still something from you. Something you gave me to me in a selfish and destructive way but from you nonetheless.

Loving you has been my downfall.

Loving you has made me cold.

Loving you has made me strong.

Loving you was my choice, a choice I’ve made to my own detriment.

I’m tired of loving you.

I’m tired of picking myself up every time you decide to leave me for dead. I’m tired of being your emotional dumpster.

It’s time to let you go.

It’s time to stop loving you.

I don’t know how but somehow, I know I’ll get there.

E