Posted on by Elle

Just Another Relapse

Well… shit. What y’all been doing?

It’s been a long while since I’ve been able to write and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve wanted to write.

One year and seven months, that is how long I made it without having a drink. I went almost two years without touching tequila. In the strong part of my sobriety, I never believed that I would touch alcohol again. There were days where I would dream of drinking and regret it but there were also other dreams where I would stick to my guns and say, I cannot go back to this.

Three months ago, i had my first drink. It was a glass of Pinot Grigio. That day, it was hard to finish the glass, it had been one year and seven months since I had touched the stuff, I was a lightweight to say the least. The taste wasn’t familiar anymore and the feeling of being tipsy was nerve wracking. I tested the waters and I had a glass or two as the weeks went on.

I didn’t go on a bender after that day, but man did I want to. I wanted to get so drunk and numb it all away and then I thought to myself, I’ll just stop. I’ll have one bender and then I will quit. “I’m just tired”.

I got drunk and absolutely wasted on my birthday a few weeks ago. It had been one year and ten months since I had been wasted. Two nights ago, I was on a trip and I got wasted with my co-workers.That was the first time I had been drunk around strangers in over two years.

I slept the entire next day. The shame was all consuming when I finally made my way back home. Even the next day after that, all i could think about was how drunk I had let myself get. I was filled with shame,not only for drinking but for being so childish and emotional while being drunk.

It is strange the way addiction works. I remember the months before I had my first glass of wine. I would think about it all the time. I would think to myself, hey, maybe I can just have one drink.I’m in a different place now. I think i can handle it. I’m better now. The addiction made me believe that I would be okay. I am not okay. I thought I was happy and whole again. I thought that I could be like everyone else.

The truth is that it was so easy to fall into because i had lost my sense of normalcy. I had started a new job. I had no semblance of a routine. And if I’m being truly honest with myself, I was lonely. I felt so alone in my every day life that I thought, well, why not go back to the only thing I know. After all, I’m all happy and whole now. And so, I did just that, I decided that it was time for me to quit quitting.

After my first binge, I tried to reason with the addiction. I tried to tell myself that maybe I could just drink at home. Or maybe if I just stuck to one glass of wine, I would be okay. But the more I tried to reason with the addiction, the more I realized that I truly have a problem. Because there is never just one drink with me, especially not in a social setting.

Yet, I still drank last night with my girlfriends, I drank the whole bottle myself and then one more glass because I wanted to try the other bottle. I woke up this morning with the same feeling of shame. I woke up wondering why I did that to myself again. The truth of the matter is that i have a problem with alcohol. I cannot drink and it is not for me and that is okay.

I let the addiction bring me back to day one and starting over again and I won’t lie it sucks! I am not only upset with myself but I am filled with shame. I am ashamed to have let my inner demons come back and suck me back into the darkness. As I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself all could say was, what are you doing? Who are you anymore?

I had come so far and to be honest, I never thought I would relapse back into it. I never thought I would cave. I am very prideful and I thought that I was better than to back track, especially when I was so close to my two year mark. Despite the feeling of shame and knowing that today is day one… again. I don’t feel defeated. I know that I have done this before and i can do it again.

I am hopeful today, but I know it is going to be hard. I know that it is worth it and I know that it is what is best for me. I feel stronger in a strange sort of way. I feel proud of myself, even though I’ve failed, I know that I can get back up and be better.

Ay, la vida, quien entiende estas cosas

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Alone

I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

Meredith Grey

I know how to be alone. I know how to make it on my own, that’s easy.

I know how to focus on myself and I know what makes me happy, when I’m alone.

I don’t want to be in love again.

And you also don’t want to be loved again.

I am scared. I am terrified of the feelings of love and being loved.

Love has or I should say, “love” has scarred me in ways that I cannot explain.

The fear of love has me in a state of complete panic and I cannot even think straight.

I look into his eyes and I can see and feel how much he cares for me.

I fight the urge to tell him just how I feel because, if he knows, if I tell him, it might be the end of me all over again.

I fought so hard to get to the place of happiness being alone.

I fought so hard to be okay and learn from my mistakes.

I don’t want to repeat the past, not with him.

I am afraid of love and I am afraid of me.

I am afraid that it’s all too late to be scared now. There is no point in being afraid when I’ve already fallen in love.

I don’t want to fall in love.

It is terrifying. I know the kind of pain that can come from something like this. I’ve been through it before. And while I’m sure I would be just fine, I do not know if I can handle the pain again.

What if I mess it up? What if I make another mistake? How will I go on if he leaves?

My heart breaks at the thought of losing love again.

But I am also crippled by the fear of loving someone and letting them love me.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Battlefield

You’re more than enough, Elly. He says as if I didn’t already know that.

It left me wondering if he could see through the confident facade I put up daily. He’s learning me.

It is strange to me and it makes me uncomfortable. He’s really trying to get to know me, why?

I’ve lived my life surrounded by people who want to get to know me because of the pretty packaging I come in. I’m used to guys wanting to speak to me because of my appearance– I know he is no different.

Yet, he is different. He isn’t rushing into anything with me. It’s been slow and steady and consistent.

There’s a je ne sais quoi, way he goes about it and it drives me insane in the best way.

I’ll admit in the most reluctant way, that I am falling for him. It feels like a movie–my own personal hallmark romance movie. It is cheesy and cheeky and I cannot lie it is everything I’ve wished for.

The duality.

I know that I am still incredibly guarded when it comes to him and love. As hard as I try to fight it. I have to admit, I am cautiously falling for him.

There is the part of me that wants to free fall and let it be whatever it will be. Then there is the part of me that has fallen, crashed and burned and doesn’t want to fall again. The scars keep me teetering on the line.

I walk the line sometimes losing my balance one way or the other. I feel my heart ready to take the leap but my mind brings me back and suddenly, I want the wall built once again.

It isn’t fair to him. The level of effort that he puts into everything is something that I’ve never experienced. If I am being honest, I can say that I don’t feel that I deserve it. I feel like it is too much.

You’re more than enough, Elly.

The words sting and my eyes fill with tears. Suddenly, I’m filled with shame and I’m suffocating on it.

I close my eyes to recenter myself and there he is. The one who didn’t think I was enough. Then there is me. Old me. The weak me that relied on others to make her feel worthy.

You’re more than enough, Elly.

The words bounce around in my head and it’s more of a validation to what I already know than a compliment.

I know that I am more than capable of loving someone. But am I able to let someone love me?

The heart wants what it wants but the mind will always try to protect you.

Am I willing to take a chance on love? After all, it’s the only thing I feel that I am missing in my life.

I’ve encountered a man that I don’t know and doesn’t know me. I’ve found someone who puts in as much effort as I do and I’m scared.

Scared of the potential outcome. Scared to show my heart. Scared to fall once again.

There are days that I let myself simply bask in the happiness he brings to my life. There are others where I wonder why I would willingly put myself in harms way. Today it is the latter.

I don’t know how this journey will go. I don’t know if I will keep going and reach for the happiness at the end of the tunnel.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Time

How many times have you heard someone say, “just give it time— everything will be okay”.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it in my short life.

Dale tiempo al tiempo.

Give time, time.

Funny isn’t it? With time, and as time goes on, everything is just fine.

One day you’re crying yourself to sleep and wondering when the pain will stop and the next you’re waking up happy to be alive.

It feels as though it’s the very next day— truth is, it’s been months and months or even years of hard work and pushing through and taking the time to let the feelings be what they are.

It all becomes a distant memory. It becomes laughable to think that only a few months ago you thought that the pain and turmoil would never come to and end.

Give time, time.

It’s probably one of the hardest things to do in the human experience. Especially when we live in a world full of instant gratification and expect everything on our time. We are capricious beings and the turmoil we feel feels unjust and unwarranted and yet— we experience it all the time.

We sit and wonder how we will ever make it to the other side. Not realizing that the turmoil is what leads to the other side.

There is no beauty without pain.

I used to believe that only in the vain sense. However, it applies to everything in life. You cannot experience the immense amount of happiness and peace without also knowing the dark and stormy nights.

The beauty of life comes from being able to to experience every single emotion, even the bad ones.

The things we can’t change at the present moment are the ones that change us into who we’re meant to be. The pain and the tragedy has the power to lead us to becoming better people— if we let it.

If we look at it as beauty is pain, we find the silver lining in the tragedy. It’s all about focus.

The bad days make the good ones that much better and we should be grateful that we get to experience it all.

I’ll admit I am a rusher. I want to get to the finish line as fast as I can. I want to push through the crap and get through it instantly.

The more I grow, the more I go through, the more I’m grateful for being able to experience life this way.

The peace I feel now, feels as if I’ve always had it. It truly came with time. It came with hard work but now I see that I just needed time to get past it all.

Just give time, time.

Everything will be okay.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Nota I

It’s been a week now. I have had the urge to call you or reach out to you.

The thing is, I miss you.

It has been a year now, I imagined I wouldn’t think about you any more by now. The truth is you are more on my mind than ever.

Perhaps it has to do with the self reflection that I have gone in depth with lately. Whatever the reason, you are still in my head.

I wish I had been lying when I said you are the love of my life. I wish it were not true because then this would not be so hard.

This- fighting the urge to call you and ask if maybe there is a chance we could work things out. A chance- sounds silly.

The thoughts of what I want to say swirl around in my head as I try to keep myself busy and distracted.

I pick up my phone to call you but I am reminded that it would be selfish to insert myself into your life.

Heartbreak

Your life. Because we both have completely different lives now. I have no right to bring back pain and heartbreak to your life. I have no right to come back because I miss you.

I miss you from here and I love you from here. I write all these messages to you but save them in my notes because I am not a part of your life and I do not want to cause any more harm.

The thought of us possibly working it out seems childish and capricious. Is that all it is? Am I being capricious like a relentless child?

It doesn’t feel capricious. My feelings for you are what they are.

I have tried to hate you. I have tried to rationalize in my mind why I left. I have tried to stop loving you.

It is no use.

Is it the planets? Do they really affect our emotions this way? Do they really make you want to back track and go back to the past?

I don’t even know anymore. I used to think it was my ego that kept me from reaching out to the people I miss. I used to think it was my pride and I was proud of that but that isn’t true.

The fear of being met with rejection from someone I love so deeply is far greater than any high horse I’ve ever been on. The fear of causing anymore pain and the fear of rejection stop me in my tracks.

Perhaps if you were to reject me it would be easier to move on. Perhaps that is all I need— to know for certain that you do not see us being together again.

Can I handle that?

Can I handle being met with rejection— no.

Rejection causes a different kind of pain. A pain that I have felt from you before. A pain that leaves you dry heaving and punching walls because you don’t know how to let it out.

A pain that stings to your very core and it doesn’t dissipate quickly.

What do I do?

For now, I sit here and blame the planets. I read my books and write silly messages I’ll never send. I write posts like this to try and cope.

Later, who knows, maybe I’ll send one of those silly messages and see how strong I’ve truly become.

We’ll see.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Un Verano Sin Ti

A few months ago, I had envisioned what I wanted this post to be. It was going to be liberating with a dash of take that asshole.

See, a few months ago, I planned a solo trip to the beach out of spite. I booked it to spite all the men who ever said that they would take me to see the ocean.

This trip was planned out of spite and anger towards all the men who ever lead me to believe all the beautiful lies they spewed out of their mouths.

And I thank them for it.

Because while I didn’t plan the trip out of the best intentions, it turned out to be exactly what I needed for myself.

Truthfully, I don’t think I would have done it without some sort of anger driving me. Not only that, my boss was telling me I needed to go. You know it’s bad when your boss tells you that you need to take a break.

But who goes on vacation alone?

Apparently, I do.

Now, of course I was completely terrified to get on a plane and go somewhere I’d never been. I was even more scared to do it all alone.

A girl and her dream. Someone cue Miley Cyrus- The Climb.

I arrived to the busiest airport in the country, with my carry on and a prayer. A prayer that the good Lord would keep me safe and that everything would be okay.

I won’t lie, I was at the kiosk getting my boarding pass just-a-shaking in my Nike’s. Then, it was time for the traumatic part of flying out of Hartsfield-Jackson Airport—TSA.

I don’t know what it is about the TSA agents at that airport, but they always feel the need to verbally and emotionally abuse you before every flight.

I rushed through, or attempted to, but as expected I was yelled at multiple times. The process was rather quick but not painless. TSA had me shaking just a little harder after that but, I pushed on. Now, I just had to get to my gate– on the other side of the airport.

I had about an hour to kill, since I had gotten there extra early. So I decided to walk to my gate, I should have listened when they said it was a fifteen minute walk but I wasn’t about to hop on the shuttle with all those people.

I began to second guess my decision to not take the shuttle but I got to experience other people looking lost on the way to their own vacations and it calmed me. I wasn’t the only one out there winging it.

Not only that, the walked helped burn off some the anxiety I was feeling so by the time I got to my gate, I was almost calm—weird.

That was the moment it hit me. I’m actually going on vacation—to see the ocean—by myself. WOW, I was really doing it.

I laughed to myself and turned right around to go get myself some Starbucks, I was on vacation baby!

In that moment, nothing mattered and truly, since that moment I realized that nothing from the past mattered- not anymore.

Mama, I made it!

Despite all of the years of crippling anxiety, despite the need to always have someone with me, despite all the heartbreak and pain I’d been through the last few years, I was happy. I was able to do something for myself and for myself only.

And so nothing matters. I saw a quote once that said, have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing.

Which to me, means, nothing matters! The pain, the past, you can’t change it. It was what it was and now we move on because that is how life works. Things happen but dwelling on them won’t change them.

Everything will be okay because it has to be. See, I serve a merciful God who would not forsake me. So, you just have to keep going and putting your Faith in the fact that the Lord, or the universe whatever you believe in, will provide.

Faith has changed my life. God has changed my life.

Never in a million years would I have believed you a year ago if you told me I’d be living the life I am today. A year ago, nothing seemed certain. Everything I knew was shattered and I was left with fragments of who I was.

Then over the last year, I’d been trying to glue the fragments back together but it was no use. It was no use trying to get back to the girl of the past, she was gone.

From the moment I bought the plane tickets, the rebirth of who I am began and I didn’t even know it. The closer I got to departure day the more I realized that this post wouldn’t be out of spite anymore. Because my story isn’t about all the men who hurt me, quiet frankly, I don’t give a damn about them or the pain they’ve caused me anymore.

I simply wanted to take care of me and in that moment, I put the hurt down. It had been long over due for me to stop carrying it around like a badge of honor, but everyone has their own journey.

Truly, I know that this is only the beginning and that I won’t feel this at peace every day but I do know that everything will be okay at some point.

The thing is, I may or may not have fallen in love over that weekend.

I found peace. I found paradise. I found a place that felt like home.

I found everything I’d been looking for and so much more.

The best part was that I fell in love with… me.

As cheesy as it sounds, it is true.

I fell in love with every part of who I am.

A sentence I didn’t believe would ever come from me.

I really love who I am and I cannot wait to see who I will become.

xo

E