Posted on by Elle

Just Another Relapse

Well… shit. What y’all been doing?

It’s been a long while since I’ve been able to write and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve wanted to write.

One year and seven months, that is how long I made it without having a drink. I went almost two years without touching tequila. In the strong part of my sobriety, I never believed that I would touch alcohol again. There were days where I would dream of drinking and regret it but there were also other dreams where I would stick to my guns and say, I cannot go back to this.

Three months ago, i had my first drink. It was a glass of Pinot Grigio. That day, it was hard to finish the glass, it had been one year and seven months since I had touched the stuff, I was a lightweight to say the least. The taste wasn’t familiar anymore and the feeling of being tipsy was nerve wracking. I tested the waters and I had a glass or two as the weeks went on.

I didn’t go on a bender after that day, but man did I want to. I wanted to get so drunk and numb it all away and then I thought to myself, I’ll just stop. I’ll have one bender and then I will quit. “I’m just tired”.

I got drunk and absolutely wasted on my birthday a few weeks ago. It had been one year and ten months since I had been wasted. Two nights ago, I was on a trip and I got wasted with my co-workers.That was the first time I had been drunk around strangers in over two years.

I slept the entire next day. The shame was all consuming when I finally made my way back home. Even the next day after that, all i could think about was how drunk I had let myself get. I was filled with shame,not only for drinking but for being so childish and emotional while being drunk.

It is strange the way addiction works. I remember the months before I had my first glass of wine. I would think about it all the time. I would think to myself, hey, maybe I can just have one drink.I’m in a different place now. I think i can handle it. I’m better now. The addiction made me believe that I would be okay. I am not okay. I thought I was happy and whole again. I thought that I could be like everyone else.

The truth is that it was so easy to fall into because i had lost my sense of normalcy. I had started a new job. I had no semblance of a routine. And if I’m being truly honest with myself, I was lonely. I felt so alone in my every day life that I thought, well, why not go back to the only thing I know. After all, I’m all happy and whole now. And so, I did just that, I decided that it was time for me to quit quitting.

After my first binge, I tried to reason with the addiction. I tried to tell myself that maybe I could just drink at home. Or maybe if I just stuck to one glass of wine, I would be okay. But the more I tried to reason with the addiction, the more I realized that I truly have a problem. Because there is never just one drink with me, especially not in a social setting.

Yet, I still drank last night with my girlfriends, I drank the whole bottle myself and then one more glass because I wanted to try the other bottle. I woke up this morning with the same feeling of shame. I woke up wondering why I did that to myself again. The truth of the matter is that i have a problem with alcohol. I cannot drink and it is not for me and that is okay.

I let the addiction bring me back to day one and starting over again and I won’t lie it sucks! I am not only upset with myself but I am filled with shame. I am ashamed to have let my inner demons come back and suck me back into the darkness. As I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself all could say was, what are you doing? Who are you anymore?

I had come so far and to be honest, I never thought I would relapse back into it. I never thought I would cave. I am very prideful and I thought that I was better than to back track, especially when I was so close to my two year mark. Despite the feeling of shame and knowing that today is day one… again. I don’t feel defeated. I know that I have done this before and i can do it again.

I am hopeful today, but I know it is going to be hard. I know that it is worth it and I know that it is what is best for me. I feel stronger in a strange sort of way. I feel proud of myself, even though I’ve failed, I know that I can get back up and be better.

Ay, la vida, quien entiende estas cosas

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Battlefield

You’re more than enough, Elly. He says as if I didn’t already know that.

It left me wondering if he could see through the confident facade I put up daily. He’s learning me.

It is strange to me and it makes me uncomfortable. He’s really trying to get to know me, why?

I’ve lived my life surrounded by people who want to get to know me because of the pretty packaging I come in. I’m used to guys wanting to speak to me because of my appearance– I know he is no different.

Yet, he is different. He isn’t rushing into anything with me. It’s been slow and steady and consistent.

There’s a je ne sais quoi, way he goes about it and it drives me insane in the best way.

I’ll admit in the most reluctant way, that I am falling for him. It feels like a movie–my own personal hallmark romance movie. It is cheesy and cheeky and I cannot lie it is everything I’ve wished for.

The duality.

I know that I am still incredibly guarded when it comes to him and love. As hard as I try to fight it. I have to admit, I am cautiously falling for him.

There is the part of me that wants to free fall and let it be whatever it will be. Then there is the part of me that has fallen, crashed and burned and doesn’t want to fall again. The scars keep me teetering on the line.

I walk the line sometimes losing my balance one way or the other. I feel my heart ready to take the leap but my mind brings me back and suddenly, I want the wall built once again.

It isn’t fair to him. The level of effort that he puts into everything is something that I’ve never experienced. If I am being honest, I can say that I don’t feel that I deserve it. I feel like it is too much.

You’re more than enough, Elly.

The words sting and my eyes fill with tears. Suddenly, I’m filled with shame and I’m suffocating on it.

I close my eyes to recenter myself and there he is. The one who didn’t think I was enough. Then there is me. Old me. The weak me that relied on others to make her feel worthy.

You’re more than enough, Elly.

The words bounce around in my head and it’s more of a validation to what I already know than a compliment.

I know that I am more than capable of loving someone. But am I able to let someone love me?

The heart wants what it wants but the mind will always try to protect you.

Am I willing to take a chance on love? After all, it’s the only thing I feel that I am missing in my life.

I’ve encountered a man that I don’t know and doesn’t know me. I’ve found someone who puts in as much effort as I do and I’m scared.

Scared of the potential outcome. Scared to show my heart. Scared to fall once again.

There are days that I let myself simply bask in the happiness he brings to my life. There are others where I wonder why I would willingly put myself in harms way. Today it is the latter.

I don’t know how this journey will go. I don’t know if I will keep going and reach for the happiness at the end of the tunnel.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Heartbreak Anniversary

The sun is shinning bright outside. The leaves on the trees are the brightest they been in a while. The beauty of nature is astounding after a storm.

Candle lit, warm coffee on the table and the sunlight beaming through my window- peace. But there is a melancholy within me.

There is a sadness that envelopes my mind and tells me that something is wrong. Something isn’t right.

Fear.

It has been more than a year since I’ve let myself feel or have feelings of hope and love. It was so unexpected and so simple.

I have a decision to make and it isn’t one I want to take lightly. Do I truly want to open my heart up. Am I ready for everything that comes with being vulnerable?

The past few weeks have been filled with old memories that are haunting. The beginning always seems to lead to a tumultuous end. Am I willing to take the risk? I am already half way there.

The past sneaks up on me in the moments of pure bliss and I cannot shake them. Will it happen again? Should I just cut and run?

Coward.

I feel like a coward. To beg and long for something but to say never mind when it is just a step away.

Get out of your head.

It is no secret that I live in my head. Every decision is calculated and executed with a plan in mind. Love isn’t something you can plan. Love isn’t something you know in your mind, rather it is in your heart.

Heartbreak hangover- that feeling of waking up alone and knowing that the person you were building a life with is now a stranger. Your body aches and your head is pounding. The swollen eyes from crying and the pain in your chest that suffocates you.

I know the feeling well, but no one has broken my heart lately, rather the feeling comes from the possibility of giving someone the power to bring that pain back. The reminder of how bad it can get and how much sadness love can bring is debilitating.

We give people the power to hurt us all while hoping and trusting that they won’t; unfortunately, most of the time we end up trusting them in vain.

Enjoy the ride and know that nothing lasts forever; simply enjoy the moment. Enjoy life for what it is and roll with the punches.

All I want to do in this moment is cut and run. I want to rebuild the wall around my heart bigger than before. The possibility of love triggers me and suddenly, I don’t want to feel anymore. I begin to question why it is that I would choose to put myself in this situation.

This one, is diffferent.

It happened like they all said it would, out of no where and when you least expect it. It is only the beginning and the uncertainty of if it will become something is overwhelming.

Stop overthinking it.

Not every connection is meant to be long lasting or deep, sometimes it is fleeting and quick, I know. Sadness. Coming to the realization that it could be something but it could also be nothing. Simply something that happened and then was over once it ran the course it was meant to.

I know that is what life is all about–still it doesn’t sit right with me.

I know this is the path for me at this moment but is it the right one? Am I making a mistake? I’m tired of making mistakes.

Get out of your head.

I don’t know if I will give myself the chance to be loved. I don’t know if I will be able to let things unfold as they may, but I do know that with great risks come greater rewards.

Ay, Ay, la vida–quien entiende estas cosas?

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Time

How many times have you heard someone say, “just give it time— everything will be okay”.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it in my short life.

Dale tiempo al tiempo.

Give time, time.

Funny isn’t it? With time, and as time goes on, everything is just fine.

One day you’re crying yourself to sleep and wondering when the pain will stop and the next you’re waking up happy to be alive.

It feels as though it’s the very next day— truth is, it’s been months and months or even years of hard work and pushing through and taking the time to let the feelings be what they are.

It all becomes a distant memory. It becomes laughable to think that only a few months ago you thought that the pain and turmoil would never come to and end.

Give time, time.

It’s probably one of the hardest things to do in the human experience. Especially when we live in a world full of instant gratification and expect everything on our time. We are capricious beings and the turmoil we feel feels unjust and unwarranted and yet— we experience it all the time.

We sit and wonder how we will ever make it to the other side. Not realizing that the turmoil is what leads to the other side.

There is no beauty without pain.

I used to believe that only in the vain sense. However, it applies to everything in life. You cannot experience the immense amount of happiness and peace without also knowing the dark and stormy nights.

The beauty of life comes from being able to to experience every single emotion, even the bad ones.

The things we can’t change at the present moment are the ones that change us into who we’re meant to be. The pain and the tragedy has the power to lead us to becoming better people— if we let it.

If we look at it as beauty is pain, we find the silver lining in the tragedy. It’s all about focus.

The bad days make the good ones that much better and we should be grateful that we get to experience it all.

I’ll admit I am a rusher. I want to get to the finish line as fast as I can. I want to push through the crap and get through it instantly.

The more I grow, the more I go through, the more I’m grateful for being able to experience life this way.

The peace I feel now, feels as if I’ve always had it. It truly came with time. It came with hard work but now I see that I just needed time to get past it all.

Just give time, time.

Everything will be okay.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Mirrors

It is getting bad again.

It has been too long, I should have known.

Somehow, I knew this day would come but a part of me thought it was long gone. All the same here I am.

It is getting bad again.

The battle of wanting to be small. The battle of wanting to gain weight because I know I am unhealthy but the fear of what gaining weight will do to my life.

I know I would still be me. I know these people have seen me at a bigger size. I also know that they didn’t treat me the same when I wasn’t this small. They weren’t as nice to me. They weren’t as respectful towards me.

What do I do?

The constant fear of stepping on the scale every morning is getting to me. I stayed small for over a year now. What will they think?

Why do I care?

Acceptance.

Something I’ve searched for my entire life. Something I have yet to find.

It has been too long that I have felt as though I fit in. I fit in more these days because I am pretty and skinny–gross.

I have always felt out of place in a world full of critics. I’ve always felt as the weird girl because I am not like every else. My mind doesn’t work like everyone else’s. No one knows my story truly and I fear I’ll never really be seen.

I fear that I’ll never fit in. While that is trivial, isn’t that what we are all searching for? To make connections and to be seen and to know that we aren’t alone on this journey?

I believe beauty comes from who the person is to their core. I don’t believe that is true for me. I know my heart and I know who I am. I know I choose to be good. I choose to be kind. I choose love. I know I am a good person.

That isn’t enough for me.

I haven’t always been as enlightened and as good with choosing the light over the darkness but I’ve found it the last few months.

I give myself grace- most days.

I let myself just be me and somehow, it isn’t enough when I step on that scale or look in the mirror. I see the changes that have started in my stomach and thighs. I see my arms and my face- they’re changing.

Disgust.

I see the girls on the internet preaching the body positive agenda and I wonder- how did you get off the roller-coaster? It has been so long that I’ve been on this ride that I don’t know if it will ever end. It never seems to let me off. Every now and then it seems that I am able to coast on a steady path but out of no where, we take a turn and it is back downhill.

I’m tired.

Every time I try to do better, the scale is there to remind me that I have done better before.

Why don’t I feel good enough if I am not ten pounds lighter like I was a few months ago? Why do I feel that people will treat me differently if I gain weight?

The answers are in me. I know them well. They treat me differently because if I gain weight-I don’t like myself. I don’t feel good enough because I have determined my worth based on my appearance.

It isn’t my fault alone. It is the influences around me. It is the mass media. It is everything I’ve learned up to today. While it isn’t my fault alone, it is my choice and my responsibility to fix it. No one else can.

I’m on the roller coaster again.

I hope I can get off soon.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

Nota I

It’s been a week now. I have had the urge to call you or reach out to you.

The thing is, I miss you.

It has been a year now, I imagined I wouldn’t think about you any more by now. The truth is you are more on my mind than ever.

Perhaps it has to do with the self reflection that I have gone in depth with lately. Whatever the reason, you are still in my head.

I wish I had been lying when I said you are the love of my life. I wish it were not true because then this would not be so hard.

This- fighting the urge to call you and ask if maybe there is a chance we could work things out. A chance- sounds silly.

The thoughts of what I want to say swirl around in my head as I try to keep myself busy and distracted.

I pick up my phone to call you but I am reminded that it would be selfish to insert myself into your life.

Heartbreak

Your life. Because we both have completely different lives now. I have no right to bring back pain and heartbreak to your life. I have no right to come back because I miss you.

I miss you from here and I love you from here. I write all these messages to you but save them in my notes because I am not a part of your life and I do not want to cause any more harm.

The thought of us possibly working it out seems childish and capricious. Is that all it is? Am I being capricious like a relentless child?

It doesn’t feel capricious. My feelings for you are what they are.

I have tried to hate you. I have tried to rationalize in my mind why I left. I have tried to stop loving you.

It is no use.

Is it the planets? Do they really affect our emotions this way? Do they really make you want to back track and go back to the past?

I don’t even know anymore. I used to think it was my ego that kept me from reaching out to the people I miss. I used to think it was my pride and I was proud of that but that isn’t true.

The fear of being met with rejection from someone I love so deeply is far greater than any high horse I’ve ever been on. The fear of causing anymore pain and the fear of rejection stop me in my tracks.

Perhaps if you were to reject me it would be easier to move on. Perhaps that is all I need— to know for certain that you do not see us being together again.

Can I handle that?

Can I handle being met with rejection— no.

Rejection causes a different kind of pain. A pain that I have felt from you before. A pain that leaves you dry heaving and punching walls because you don’t know how to let it out.

A pain that stings to your very core and it doesn’t dissipate quickly.

What do I do?

For now, I sit here and blame the planets. I read my books and write silly messages I’ll never send. I write posts like this to try and cope.

Later, who knows, maybe I’ll send one of those silly messages and see how strong I’ve truly become.

We’ll see.

XO

E

Posted on by Elle

Serenity

What is happiness? How do you know when you’re truly happy? The answers to these questions are all subjective. What makes one person happy doesn’t make every one happy.

Life is subjective.

It took me a long time to come to that realization.

I used to feel so unfulfilled in with my life for one reason or another. There was always something that was missing and I could never put my finger on it. It’s been almost a year now that I have been single. I’ve had a year filled with living with friends, dating, slipping back into an ex and I’ve been completely alone.

Before I was completely alone, loneliness seemed picturesque to me. I had never experienced truly being alone. I craved it and I believed that it was the place where I would find my happiness.

Being alone, at first, was the most difficult experience that I had experienced to date. I had this perfect picture painted in my mind of how great it would be to be with just me. I hadn’t realized how much work I needed to put into myself. I hadn’t realized how much work it was going to take to build my happy picturesque life.

In that process, I realized why it was that I felt unfulfilled with my life. I realized that happiness is subjective. I was always so busy looking at the way other’s lived their lives. I was too busy looking at what I lacked from their life. I looked at other’s lives and thought that mine was supposed to be that way.

I was always so busy trying to make my life like someone else’s. Never realizing that that is where my unhappiness came from.

The work to get to happy has been nothing less than difficult. The hard days made me feel like I would never be happy again. The good days didn’t come for a really long time.

I sit here today realizing that I have achieved the happiness I have been looking for for so long. As I sit here smiling and basking in my own happiness, I realize that I’ve made it.

I’ve made it to the place in my life that I’ve wanted for so so long.

I’ve made it to a place where I am letting myself be the main character in my life. I’m letting my life unfold. I am finally living for me and living my life the way I want to.

I’ve found the source of peace and serenity within myself and I can’t believe that I get to live the life I’ve always dreamed of.

At times I felt I wasn’t strong enough. At times I thought I’d never get here. And although I know that there will be times where it isn’t a blissful and there will be hard days, I’m learning to bask in the now. Appreciating every little moment of happiness to the fullest.

To anyone struggling through the hard days, it does get better. Although it seems that the sadness will never end, it does at some point. And I know it isn’t what you want to hear but it is the truth.

Live your life for you, after all, you are the main character in your life.

xo

E

Posted on by Elle

The Energy Exchange

The energy exchange between us, it’s never been equal give and take.

You dump your sadness and pain onto me without questioning if I can handle it.

Your pain and your demons envelope me and suddenly now I’m the one who’s suffocating.

It’s selfish.

But you’ve always been selfish when it comes to me.

I breathe light into you and wrap you in unconditional love. I let you take whatever you need from me.

Even if it’s the last ray of light I have left.

Your pain and your demons surround me now. I feel them but they’re not my own and yet, I’m left to deal with your pain once again.

Now, I’m drowning but there’s no one to save me, but me.

You take and you take but why not take when I give it to you for free.

My heartbreaks but I know it’s not my own heart that is breaking.

Truthfully, I can feel the battle inside me. Your demons trying to swallow my light and it’s a never ending battle.

Some days it feels like I’m losing to them and suddenly I want to let myself drown. I want to submerge myself into them because they’re all I have left of you.

But why drown for someone who is long gone? Why submit to your pain when it leads to no where?

It’s still something from you. Something you gave me to me in a selfish and destructive way but from you nonetheless.

Loving you has been my downfall.

Loving you has made me cold.

Loving you has made me strong.

Loving you was my choice, a choice I’ve made to my own detriment.

I’m tired of loving you.

I’m tired of picking myself up every time you decide to leave me for dead. I’m tired of being your emotional dumpster.

It’s time to let you go.

It’s time to stop loving you.

I don’t know how but somehow, I know I’ll get there.

E

Posted on by Elle

The Pain of Losing You

It has been several months now since I’ve spoken to you. It has been months since I have felt connected to anyone. It has been months since I have been able to be myself.

It has been so long since I have been me that I no longer know who I am. I don’t know who I am anymore. I lost myself in you.

I gave you everything I had to give.

The pain of losing you has been a roller coaster. I have good days. I have bad days too.

It is one of the bad days.

The pain of losing you is so overwhelming.

It is heart wrenching.

It is puffy eyes and hyperventilating.

The pain of finding out that you are not who you pretend to be was something I wasn’t prepared for. My entire world as I knew it shattered before my eyes.

The reality is that I let myself go to keep you. I changed my ways for you. I changed who I am to fit into your life. I gave it all to you. Everything you asked for. Everything you needed. Everything down to my personality.

I broke myself for you.

I gave it all, expecting you to cherish it.

I was wrong.

The pain of losing you isn’t so painful because I miss you. It isn’t because I want the relationship back. The pain of losing you is realizing that I also lost myself.

I lost the sparkle in my eyes. I lost the ability to care about people genuinely. I lost every thing that made me who I am. That is what kills me every day.

Every day I have to rebuild the person that I was; all while knowing that I won’t be the same anymore. Rebuilding after you has been hell, because I still hear your voice judging me for the person that I am.

So how am I to rebuild? How do I rebuild when you hated every thing about me? How do I rebuild when the things you did like about me, you took from me? How do I find myself again, when I’m only the shell of who I used to be?

The pain of losing you is just as consuming as you were. The pain comes and goes but when it is here it feels as though I cannot keep moving forward. It feels like quicksand.

It is all consuming.

I know the pain is only temporary. I know I will find myself again. I know I will be okay.

I always am.

Losing me has been the hardest part of it all. Not recognizing myself in the mirror is heartbreaking. Putting on the face of the person I want to be again is so painful because she’s only a distant memory now.

I want to go back to the time where I didn’t know you. I want to get back to me. I want myself back.

It feels as though you have ripped my soul away and hid it from me.

Who am I anymore?

The pain of losing you The pain of losing me, is almost unbearable.

E