I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

Meredith Grey

I know how to be alone. I know how to make it on my own, that’s easy.

I know how to focus on myself and I know what makes me happy, when I’m alone.

I don’t want to be in love again.

And you also don’t want to be loved again.

I am scared. I am terrified of the feelings of love and being loved.

Love has or I should say, “love” has scarred me in ways that I cannot explain.

The fear of love has me in a state of complete panic and I cannot even think straight.

I look into his eyes and I can see and feel how much he cares for me.

I fight the urge to tell him just how I feel because, if he knows, if I tell him, it might be the end of me all over again.

I fought so hard to get to the place of happiness being alone.

I fought so hard to be okay and learn from my mistakes.

I don’t want to repeat the past, not with him.

I am afraid of love and I am afraid of me.

I am afraid that it’s all too late to be scared now. There is no point in being afraid when I’ve already fallen in love.

I don’t want to fall in love.

It is terrifying. I know the kind of pain that can come from something like this. I’ve been through it before. And while I’m sure I would be just fine, I do not know if I can handle the pain again.

What if I mess it up? What if I make another mistake? How will I go on if he leaves?

My heart breaks at the thought of losing love again.

But I am also crippled by the fear of loving someone and letting them love me.

XO

E